I wanna be alone

Some days I am just over all the positive thinking bullshit.

Feels good to say that.

Sometimes (often times) I fake it.  I fake the positive, happy, focused, me.  And on the inside I’m screaming.  I’m yelling…at you.

Yes, I am yelling and screaming at you.  I am kicking and beating you.

While on the outside I wear a smile.  I laugh.  I laugh so much while screaming inside that I no longer know what my real laugh sounds like.

I get annoyed easily.  People annoy me.  And then I feel guilty for being annoyed.

I get annoyed by people telling things are going to be ok.  I get annoyed when I know things will be ok, but they just aren’t right now.

Advice annoys me.  Perhaps because I feel I shouldn’t need it.  I hate it when I get advice that I already know by just have failed in applying.  It makes me feel stupid.  It makes me feel slightly beholden to the advice-giver.  It makes me feel like they have some corner on life-knowledge that I am not privy to.

I hate being made to feel stupid.  And I know that perhaps no one is doing that but my own inner self-saboteur.

I hate being placated to the most.

I am angry and frustrated and I want to cry.  But because I don’t want you to see me cry, I will smile instead.  And the smile will grow and grow as my anger and frustration grows and grows.

When I was a kid I would spend a lot of time alone.  I didn’t think many people “got” me.  As an adult, I feel the same way…just in adult situations.  But I still feel like that 7-year-old who every time she got frustrated or mad or angry or felt unheard or voiceless or like no one would listen or could understand would run into her room and fall face-down on the bed punching her pillow, kicking her bed, and screaming into her sheets.  Or if not at home would dig her fingernails into her arm or her hand hard enough to ease the tension of frustrated emotions.

I don’t do that anymore.  Perhaps I should.  Instead I smile and laugh.  I’ll listen to your problems because it allows me to focus on you and not on myself.  Anything to take the focus off of me.

Funny, because I’m an introvert.  I spend most of my time alone.  Most of my productive time is alone.  I get more done alone.  I work better alone.  As a school-kid, I HATED group projects or group work.  I would always just do all the work rather than have to deal with working together.

One time in 6th grade, I cried while working on a group project because I didn’t know how to communicate what needed to get done and didn’t like my partner asking me what needed to be done as I did all the work and couldn’t think because I was not at home alone doing it.  I ran out of her house and was going to ride her bike to my grandma’s just to get away.  Since she was a close friend, she was able to calm me down enough that my mom could come get me.

I am introverted and am awkward when working with others.  I am also awkward when interacting with others.

And I know I do not seem this way at all.  I have recently become aware of this.  And I fluctuate between being proud of and annnoyed by this feat.

Proud that I’ve been able to build such a strong sturdy wall.

Annoyed that no one can see it.

I have a strong sturdy invisible wall.

And perhaps my anger and annoyance and frustration are so acute because this wall reverberates them all back upon me.

(I also love metaphors)

So, I wanna be alone at home forever…for right now.

Because other people anger and annoy me.

But I get bored.

So I don’t want 100% isolation.

Life does seem easier at times when I am just with myself…and made up people in my head.

Yes, I still make up fantasy-lands in my head.  I always have and always will.  They make me happy and break my heart.  Hmmmm, just like real world real people.  Perhaps it is this introvert’s remnants of her childhood.  I always played alone.  I have 2 brothers and both them and my parents will tell you that I played alone in my room a lot.  I was making up my own worlds.

I do the same now…maybe because the real one that I’ve dreamt up disappoints me too much.  Maybe because I am not actually IN the fantasy-lands.

This one in which I am now living is difficult because I am actually in it and living it while I created it rather than watching it and editing it like a director.  I am acting it….like an actor…hmmmm

I love when my rambling thoughts can bring me peace and contentment…if only for a moment.  I love when I let my thoughts out–no matter how random and jumbled–and feel that release.

But I’ve only discovered how to do it alone…


About heathencomehome

question marks & ellipses
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