Oftentimes I am more bored when I am with people than I am when I am alone.
I feel like I’m weird because of this.
…and here I am again–off on my “alone” theme from yesterday.
But, that’s currently where I’m at.
I also haven’t been feeling comfortable in my own skin for quite some time. So, I’ve recently decided to do something about this.
…and that’s the decision: to do something.
Right now, I’m not any more specific than that. But, it’s a start. And a decision is a decision is a move in the right direction.
So, each day this week I’m choosing to do things that help me feel more comfortable in my own skin.
I’m making decisions for me. And at times feeling awkward…and alone. But, alone is what I’m used to. I feel comfortable there. Decisions to step out of “alone” will come later. This scared a frightened soul is still not quite ready to be “out there.”
I seem to lose my footing “out there.” Like I forget who I am. Or I get lost or trapped in Public Me, Social Me. I make decisions from who “she” is and not who I am. THings “she” would do & not things I would do.
But I don’t really like her. And I do like me. Me when I’m alone. I just don’t like me when I am her. And it’s like I am watching myself play the role of someone else. And real me has recently tried to come out. And I’ve discovered that she can barely talk. She has difficulty putting her thoughts together clearly, concisely, and coherently.
However real me is writing this right now. And obviously she has an extensive vocabulary and many ideas and thoughts and feelings that she wants to share. Her means of communication, however, are limited.
Sometimes I wanna shut both of the me’s up. I drink a lot of tea. I binge eat on things that require a lot of mouth work. These things mean my mouth is busy and no one inside can use it to communicate.
I think each of the me’s feels like she is being betrayed whenever the other one is getting to speak. And I’m such a diplomat and hate confrontation so much that I try to appease everyone–even the everyones within myself!
THey both feel uncomfortable right now as I write this. I can tell. i can feel it. My hands want to be busied with something else so I will cease typing and exposing them–and myself.
Thinking about opening another tab on my browser…
Gonna keep writing.
Because it feels good.
Like a personality workout!
(Haha! I love working out, so any workout analogy is always a good one!)