ControlFreak-Saboteur

I guess I need someone to need me.

Do we all feel this way?

I have recently started to get really in touch and be really conscious of what I’m thinking and feeling “in the now.”  I noticed that what I am most often thinking whenever I am in the presence of someone else is, “what do they need/want from me?” or “what can I do for him/her?”  or “how can I help?”

I guess I have a really strong need to be helpful.  Or perhaps it is just a need to be active.  I do not like inactivity.  I feel uncomfortable with it.  I feel uncomfortable with not doing.  I like to know that I’ve exhausted all options.  I don’t like feeling useles…

Sometimes I do feel useless.  Lately, I’ve felt useless just a bit more than normal.  Not a lot.  And certainly not as much as I have at times past.  When I feel useless I am usually depressed and I would not consider myself depressed at this current time.

But I’m feeling useless.  No, scratch that.  I am feeling UNDERused!  I am feeling under-challenged.

…oh, wow…this isn’t new…recurring theme in my life.

I think the first time I felt underused/underchallenged I was either 14 or 15–freshman in high school.  My mom noticed.  She noticed me being depressed mid-semester each semester.  I told her I was bored.  And I was.  I was bored.  I didn’t really ever feel challenged in school.  It led me to depression.  My mom even offered to send me to another school!  But, I didn’t want special treatment.  I didn’t want to leave my friends.  I didn’t want to be noticed…

Funny, because I did want to be different.  I always have wanted to be different.  But I think it is a different different.  It is that I always push the boundaries of other people’s expectations of me.  I want to be different from their perceptions.  I don’t want to be a perception.

So, why am I so worried about helping people or about being useful to them?

Because I always think it is my fault.

Yes, that’s it.  I always feel like EVERYTHING is my fault.

My best friend and I had a conversation about this tonight.  I feel like the most absurd things are my fault.  I take the blame.  Even if I KNOW it is not and could be nowhere near my fault.  Even if it is something completely and totally removed from me.  If it enters my realm and affects my world and shakes things up and makes things seem shaky in my world, then I take responsibility.  I want to fix it.  I want to make it right.  I want to control the situation.  And if it means taking the blame, then I will if it will mean that I can have some seeming illusion of control.

THat’s why I want to help…to do something…anything.  Because then even if it is wrong, then I KNOW something.  I don’t like not knowing.  Even if I what I do is wrong, I can take the blame.  And be in control of a situation gone wrong.  I can be in control of those at fault.  I can carry your shame.  I’d rather that than you.  Because I guess I want control of it all.

Gosh, I’m such a control freak!

And so now I feel like I’m failing everyone…subconsciously on purpose.  Now I feel like my inner saboteur is not just working on me, but has gotten a bit out-of-hand and is working on others.  Possibly because relationships of any kind be–they friendships or something more–scare me.  I feel, well, like they are out of my control.  But I can control things if things go wrong and it is my fault.  Am I creating situations to fail in order to take the blame and have a negative control?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So why on earth would someone need/want this?!

But, still…somehow, I need to be needed.

This is one of those times I feel really fucked up.

I don’t need someone to need me.  I don’t want someone to need me…I chose someone to understand me.  I chose someone to misunderstand me sometimes and still love me.  I would like to understand and love myself.  I’d like to be able to use all the conscious language business and positive thinking and energy work to instantly magically miraculously wonderfully manifest this.  It is possible.  But shit, it’s still hard.  I guess it’s hard for someone else to love me because it is hard for me.  It’s and up and down, day-to-day question.

Good night.  Tomorrow is a new day and a new answer to the question.

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About heathencomehome

question marks & ellipses
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