I feel like what I’ve been writing lately is so depressive. And I wanted to write something more uplifting. But then I was like, “WTF?!”
Hello? For whom am I writing this. Uh, yeah–me! And I am not all sunshine and rainbows lately. I’m more overcast and foggy.
I’m tired/exhausted and want to cry. That is my theme for this week. Yup. Me in a nutshell.
So, I’m upset. I’m accepting it. I’m owning it. I’m not liking it.
But I guess somehow I’ve chosen it.
Doesn’t make it any better.
I want to edit all of this out.
I’m starting to get fearful that people may actually be reading this. And knowing that it’s me.
I want to sound smart…and intelligent. Even in my incoherence and my rambling, I still want to be intelligent.
I feel like I’m being graded. But it’s not just now. I’ve always felt like that. Is it weird that I even as a kid sort of felt like God graded me?
Yeah I did. And I actually wanted Him to. Because I always got good grades and I tried real hard. So, everything that was private or unseen by anyone else God saw and I wanted that to be perfect.
Perfectionist much? Uh, yeah!
Anxiety much? Uh, yeah! I am always anxious! Because I am always so nervous that someone is going to give me a poor grade.
on my looks. on my ideas. on my talent. on my thoughts. on my performances. on my help. on my EVERYTHING.
And lately I feel like all of this is unraveling. I’m finding it exponentially harder to hold it all together.
So, I want this to be happy and sunshine and rainbows. I want to appear happy and sunshine and rainbows.
I want new ideas. I want intelligent ideas.
Perhaps I’m exhausting my ideas and now getting into the nitty-gritty feelings! oooooh! Perhaps. Very likely. Could be.
But that scares me. because then it is even less coherent. Then I cannot structure my writings.
My feelings are massive and uncontrollable and do not fit into categories.
They come on like a freight train. But stay behind my stable eyes. And hide behind my thoughts…which I try to make massive…as massive as my feelings. But they are no where near. I have to manufacture them. I have to build them up. My thoughts. I need to conjure up enough to cover up and hide my feelings. That way I can sound stable and make sense.
I’m still fearing these feelings. BUt I am trying to let them trickle out every once and awhile…without judgement. (That last little clause is the hardest part.)
But, I know this is why others have a hard time connecting with me. I am such a disconnect. Such a war between my thoughts and my feelings. CAn’t they just get along? Can’t I just allow them to get along?
No, that would be no fun 😉