Oh, please don’t make me title this

I feel like what I’ve been writing lately is so depressive.  And I wanted to write something more uplifting.  But then I was like, “WTF?!”

Hello?  For whom am I writing this.  Uh, yeah–me!  And I am not all sunshine and rainbows lately.  I’m more overcast and foggy.

I’m tired/exhausted and want to cry.  That is my theme for this week.  Yup.  Me in a nutshell.

So, I’m upset.  I’m accepting it.  I’m owning it.  I’m not liking it.

But I guess somehow I’ve chosen it.

Doesn’t make it any better.

I want to edit all of this out.

I’m starting to get fearful that people may actually be reading this.  And knowing that it’s me.

I want to sound smart…and intelligent.  Even in my incoherence and my rambling, I still want to be intelligent.

I feel like I’m being graded.  But it’s not just now.  I’ve always felt like that.  Is it weird that I even as a kid sort of felt like God graded me?

Yeah I did.  And I actually wanted Him to.   Because I always got good grades and I tried real hard.  So, everything that was private or unseen by anyone else God saw and I wanted that to be perfect.

Perfectionist much?  Uh, yeah!

Anxiety much?  Uh, yeah!  I am always  anxious!  Because I am always so nervous that someone is going to give me a poor grade.

on my looks.  on my ideas.  on my talent.  on my thoughts.  on my performances.  on my help.  on my EVERYTHING.

And lately I feel like all of this is unraveling.  I’m finding it exponentially harder to hold it all together.

So, I want this to be happy and sunshine and rainbows.  I want to appear happy and sunshine and rainbows.

I want new ideas.  I want intelligent ideas.

Perhaps I’m exhausting my ideas and now getting into the nitty-gritty feelings!  oooooh!  Perhaps.  Very likely.  Could be.

But that scares me.  because then it is even less coherent.  Then I cannot structure my writings.

My feelings are massive and uncontrollable and do not fit into categories.

They come on like a freight train.  But stay behind my stable eyes.  And hide behind my thoughts…which I try to make massive…as massive as my feelings.  But they are no where near.  I have to manufacture them.  I have to build them up.  My thoughts.  I need to conjure up enough to cover up and hide my feelings.  That way I can sound stable and make sense.

I’m still fearing these feelings.  BUt I am trying to let them trickle out every once and awhile…without judgement.  (That last little clause is the hardest part.)

But, I know this is why others have a hard time connecting with me.  I am such a disconnect.  Such a war between my thoughts and my feelings.  CAn’t they just get along?  Can’t I just allow them to get along?

No, that would be no fun 😉

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About heathencomehome

question marks & ellipses
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