“Sleeping” In

I am a major morning person.  I love mornings I thrive in the morning–it is my time.  I am usually up between 5:00 and 6:00 AM, and I like it that way.  It is my magic hour.  I feel like I am a newborn baby and like the world is mine for the taking.  It is the time of day with the least amount of negativity in my life.  It is also when I am the most vulnerable.  My ideas are also freshest at this time.  I feel as though I could take on the world!  And this feeling lasts until my first interaction with anyone else.  Until that time I’m like an innocent child.  It’s like I’ve never been hurt and never could be.  I am uninhibited.  I feel strong and powerful and like I have nothing to guard.  Perhaps the guards to my heart like to sleep in so it takes them a bit longer to wake up and get to their posts.  The walls I’ve built up around myself are unmanned and the gates are left open for those parts of me that decided to wander outside of myself in my nightly dreams.

But today I slept in.  And all of these realizations came to me.  Because, well, sleeping in for me isn’t really “sleeping” in.  What it really is is “waking up at my normal time but lying in bed with my thoughts, ideas, dreams, and IMAGINATION running wild for hours until I finally realize it’s nearly noon and I have things to do.”

Today I let my thoughts go.  My imagination was in charge and running the show–it was the driver and not my self-conscious mind.  I think this is because I am still in  bed haven’t spoken to or seen anyone yet and so am still partially in that dream-state but am awake.  It is a nice place to be…

With my imagination going wild but my conscious mind also awake I am able to make discoveries…which is always a lot of fun for me!

My imagination is often about my big life dreams–my acting career most often.  Things in that area have some really bright lights so near on the horizon that I’m not quite sure how to articulate them.  I can feel the culmination and realization of my dreams so near.  I can smell my acting career the same way you smell the rain just before it is released from the clouds.

Today my imagination chose love.  I haven’t gone down that imaginative path in awhile.  Most likely because I fear it as that is majorly one of those things I cannot control.  But today I spent nearly 2 hours non-judgmentally imagining/fantasizing about getting married.

Sounds typical for any young woman…except me.  I have for years said that I do not want to get married.  But, today I realized that my subconscious does.  So, I guess what that really means is that I do too.

I have always wanted love.  And I do choose to one day have a committed life-partner/lover/confidant/friend (See older post on my ideal man.)  But I’m not the girl who wants a big fancy wedding.  As a young girl I did not sit around planning it.  In fact the one and only thing I ever really thought about in regards to that big life event was my dad walking me down the aisle.  I always thought that would be the one thing I’d regret, if anything, if I didn’t ever have a wedding.  I’m such a daddy’s girl and I’m also my dad’s only daughter.  I would fantasize about that and that’s about it.

But this morning.  I saw it all.  I played it out like a movie several times.  Not judging it.  Tweaking it a bit each time I replayed it.

I did this a few times several years ago when I was in high school.  I played out what a wedding between me and my high school boyfriend would look/be like.  But I didn’t play out beyond that.  Today, I did.

I played out a whole newlywed and married life in my head.  ANd I realized, “wow, ok, this is something that feels nice, comfortable, warm, loving…feels like home and snuggly for my too-often isolated soul.”

Wow, so I may one day get married.  Hmmm….

But still doesn’t mean I’ll have a typical or big wedding.  All the scenes my imagination came up with were as unique as I am.  This pleased me.  I do create my own reality.  So, I did a lot of work on it this morning with my imagination.

And I do not fear it, which is REALLY major!  I have spent so much of my life fearing love.  Fearing vulnerability.  Fearing dependency.  Fearing sharing.  I was so not afraid this morning–I was comforted by my own subconscious who gave me that “it’s all going to be alright” feeling.  I do not fear or chase away my love.

So, I do not know who my life companion will be.  But I do FEEL who it is.  He is a feeling.  I discovered that this morning too.  And my soul knows/feels that feeling too and will instantly recognize it.  I trust and this and feel it and know it as truth.

I love that I was able to comfort myself this morning.  Perhaps that’s what sleeping in is for–comforting one’s tired body, mind, and soul.  ANd I did just that today.  So, thank you to me!

And I also love that it is afternoon and I have only interacted with myself thus far today.  My soul needs this alone time.  And oh, it feels SO good!  It feels good because this means the walls around me have stayed unguarded and the gates open for much longer than most days.  And that means that I am capable of keeping myself this open and vulnerable into each and every day!

And how lucky that future husband is that he’ll get to wake up to unguarded me everyday…



About heathencomehome

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