My childhood best friend also started a blog. I read it today. I love her. I love all my friends. But she was that first real long lasting friendship. We are still friends…although, we talk a whole lot less now than we used to. She has changed. I have changed. We are both amazing women. But no longer the two inseparable souls we once we were in the days of day care and elementary school.
We were really close even into high school. But our changes into adulthood began then, and I could tell (we both could) that we were becoming two different individuals whose lives would lead in different directions.
I think my fear of relationships, rejection, break-ups, hurt, vulnerability all stems actually from this first of any close relationship. Because, in all honesty, it was my first heart-break…or at least first taste of it.
It wasn’t from a guy…that would come soon enough. Rather, it was from my best friend. And it wasn’t all really from her. It was from life and lessons learned and growing up.
I remember first experiencing that breaking away/pulling away from one another. ANd feeling it really deeply and being affected by it and telling no one. Haha, like always…shielding my feelings began early…
I did end up telling my first boyfriend about it and how this inevitable separating was making me feel. He seemed to understand and thus I put all of what I felt I’d lost or was losing in the changing friendship into the new relationship with him. That decision would later end up hitting me hard when that relationship abruptly ended.
Nevertheless, I was affected deeply by the change in my relationship to my first best friend. Perhaps it was that first realization that everything in this life–even this life itself–is transient and ever-changing.
I have since struggled at making new friends. Ok, honestly, I ALWAYS struggled with making friends. She was really my ONLY friend (by choice) for a lot of my early schooldays. I was fearful of others and VERY introverted–even as a small child. Just not with her…luckily. I didn’t let any other friends get as close as I let her get. (SHOCKING…haha!)
I have not yet had that bond that we shared with anyone. Probably because that was my first real significant relationship. It molded me in so many ways in how I deal with people and relationships and such. It was the friendship of my youth and innocence before I was ever really hurt by anything. It was the most vulnerable I’ve EVER been in a relationship.
I love her. I cherish so much my first best friend and for all the lessons she helped me learn, taught me, and learned with me along the way.
We are no longer “best friends”…whatever that title means or has meant to anyone. But, no one knows my story more deeply or more completely that she. No one has as intuitive of a knowledge of my feelings as she. I am so grateful for her and her place in my life.
I used to be sad that we were no longer as close. I am not anymore. I have so many magnificent memories that I only share with her. My childhood is pretty much just her and me! I wouldn’t trade it for anything. ANd also, I wouldn’t trade the progression of either of our lives either. We are both where we need to be, whom we need to be, headed where we need to be.
Lucky we both started out as just the two of us…
*find us in these pics of us at summer camp in fifth grade! (photos stolen from her facebook)