First recoil…

I’m feeling kind of hurt right now

and it came out of nowhere, too.

So shocking and so surprising.

I know it’s just a little hurt and will go away soon.  But I will carry this small incident with me from no on.  In our relationship and in those with others.

Hurt.

Hurt ego hurt pride.

Nonetheless, still hurt.

This is what happens when I put myself out there–exposed, uninhibited, uncensored, real, and truthful.  No one wants to hear it.  I knew this.  I knew this and put it out there anyway.  For my own growth.  Do I feel I’ve grown?  Yes.  Does that make me not hurt when people shine light on my never-seen-the-light-of-day emotional life?  No.

People close to me.  Not just people I thought were close.  But REAL close people.  People now close and will always be close.

Why do I never blame others?  I don’t.  I take the blame.  It is never their fault.  Always mine.  Why?  Because I don’t want to hurt them.  Because then 2 people are hurt.  Because my sensitive soul cannot help but feel the hurt my honesty can cause others…especially those close.

I’m being vague.  I like it.  In my life I like black and white.  In my emotions, I like gray area.  Anything not too definable or noticeable.  Passing.

I feel like crying but haven’t the devotion to do so at the moment.  I am upset.  Not really shocked…only slightly.  I have this faux-protector voice in my head who is really  my saboteur telling me, “I told you so.  I told you protect and guard your emotions, your soul, at all times.  Your soul is weak, it needs ME to protect it.  YOu need my unfeeling objective strength.”

Good thing is that I am noticing that voice.  Acknowledging it.  But not as eager to give in to it as I so often have been in the past.  Right now, I’m just listening…without judgment.  Taking in what that voice sounds like.  Separating it from myself.  Knowing and FEELING that is NOT me!  Respecting that voice.  Giving it its space.  But not giving in…because it is not me.

Listening for ME now.  Can’t hear anything…yet…

So I keep listening.  Because that faux-protector is not my real strength.  I know this now.  I feel this now.  This feeling knowledge is AWESOME.  And it feels so good that the comments of one so close to me are not going to win over and sour me down.  Just comments.  Just words.  Just the feelings of another soul to which I am connected.  A lesson here.

Once again, you are–now and always in so many ways and even without even trying–one of my greatest teachers.

Love…

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About heathencomehome

question marks & ellipses
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