I’m a good listener. Sometimes I pretend not to be because I’m a good feeler too. I’ve trained my listening self to shut off sometimes as a defense mechanism to protect my soul. But no more.
I am choosing to listen to myself more. That is what I am doing right now. I am alone in my apartment on a Sunday morning wanting to go workout and to yoga before the day gets too hot but my soul is requiring a release of some other kind beforehand. I’m listening to it. Not ignoring it.
I am better able to listen to my soul when I’m alone. Perhaps everyone is. But things are so frenetic for me when I’m around others. More precisely, when I am around other people whom I know. When I’m around strangers, I can be more with myself than with others I know. Perhaps this is why I like to be alone. But if I’d just choose to listen more and stop ignoring/suppressing, then I could maybe be more comfortable out in the world and with friends and in social situations and going out and such.
I listen deeply. And it hurts sometimes. I am now listening to my breath. I am listening to a discomfort that I carry, and have since childhood, in my solar plexus area just below my sternum and above my stomach. My sensitivity is there. It’s getting nervous and frightened right now.
I’m listening to myself telling myself to write right now. My being will not let me get up and start my day without getting something out. WHat? I don’t know but I’m just writing to find out what it may be.
I just heard my neighbors wake up. ANd now I am listening to them and not to myself. I am retreating and going inside of myself for the day.
The very first hour or two that I am awake I am the most vulnerable ever. That is my most vulnerable and creative time of day. Very VERY few people have experienced this me. In fact, I would have to say less than 5 people know me this way. It is only the me that remains before my first contact with anyone. It is the most connected to Spirit I am and the most honest and truthful to myself that I am. The most loving and honoring to me is done then. Perhaps this is why I workout then and plan for a day of no self-sabotage and of being good to myself in all ways. Maybe my saboteur likes to sleep in and that’s why those remarks do not exist until about 9AM or so.
Also, that is probably another reason why so few people have ever seen me free. As I am right now. I wake up between 5 and 6 normally. So, by the time most people who know me wake up, I’ve already retreated for the day into my faux-safe space.
I also feel most beautiful first thing in the morning. I am completely in my skin and owning it and loving it. I never feel as beautiful as I do at 6AM! Too bad no one wants to go on an early morning date…haha, I’d ROCK that shit! It’s my alive time. My free and real and genuine smile time. My time spent with God because God is the only one awake with me and God seems most close to me then.
Maybe this is all also why I have such a hard time falling asleep alongside someone. With the exception of drunkenness, childhood and my best friend, I’ve only ever been able to do this once. Just now realizing it is so my way of protecting my free vulnerable self. Because I know that if I fall asleep next to someone (by whom I could possibly be hurt), that when I wake up the mask and the “strength” I have will be gone. And it will just be me–vulnerable and free. And that scares me immensely. Because so few people have seen that me. That is the real honest me, an what if she is not well received or misunderstood or attacked or mocked? That is the time I’ve retreated to to be with me and I fear someone stealing that time from me. So, I’d rather sleep alone in my bed…for now. But finally getting to a place where I can say only for a short now–not for always.
One day someone will share me in my morning glory! And I will discover each morning my Once-Upon-A-Time-meets-Happily-Ever-After non-fairy tale truth. In fact, I already have. I just did. I listened. It just happened once upon a time…