Part of me just wants to sit in front of my computer today.  And just write.  Could be the heat.  But, m’eh…don’t think it’s that.  Could just be that lazy summer weekend attitude that I hate.  I much prefer the busy-ness of my city.  Could be that part of my that so vehemently tries to be different–I want to be the only one moving at my carefree pace amidst the hustle and bustle of the city.  So, typically I like to work a lot on the weekends so I can be different from everyone else who is being perceptively lazy.

But today I’m feeling my hermit-like tendencies more acutely.  I know it is an accumulation of several things triggering me to feel this way.  I thought getting up and going to workout would help because it usually does.  I cannot start a truly productive day without some sort of physical exercise being the first thing on my agenda.  And usually that gets me to a great place from which to set forth into the world.  But today it almost seemed to trigger the opposite.  I left the gym feeling inadequate and such a feeling a self-loathing that is remaining and does not show any signs of going away.

What’s worse is that I know there are some productive things I could be doing right now that would probably change my mood.  But for some reason I’ve chosen not to do them.

So, I guess I’ve chosen failure and I know this and I’m loathing myself for it.  Great.  Such a vicious cycle.  Why do I choose it?  I know exactly what I’m doing…I’m not oblivious or unconscious to these things.

What if I do those productive things and am still unhappy?  That’s it.  That is the question keeping me from action.  WHat if I do them wrong?  There’s another one.  What if I don’t have time to do them fully and completely and PERFECTLY?  Yup.  There it is:  my trifecta of self-sabotaging perfectionism.  Ok, great, I know what it is.  I know it is there.  I know what actions to take.  I’m still sitting on my couch, though.

Why do I lack the motivation that once filled my entire being?  I do have it most of the time.  But what is up with days like today?  ANd why do they always come in chunks?  LIke, chunks of days like this in succession?

I feel like I’m being slightly productive because I’m at least writing all of this and letting it out instead of letting it stew and brew inside of me and complaining of boredom.

I feel gross, disgusting, and loathsome right now.  I feel deceitful and selfish.  I feel unattractive and fat.  And that is part of the reason I decided against yoga this morning.  People know me there.  I do not feel like facing people who know me when I feel this way.  I feel hopeless.  I feel confused.  I feel ANGRY.  Anger is my fall-back emotion.  Everything seems to default to anger.  WHy?  Most people wouldn’t guess this about me, I suppose because i do not show it.  Because it is an inner inverted inwardly directly anger.  A lot of it.

I want to get to know me.  Wow!  That was a revelation!  I had no idea I was going to write that.  I’m ready.  Wow.  Scary a bit.

Wow, the sudden easing sense of calm I just got is feeling mighty refreshing.

I had more to write.  But it can wait.


About heathencomehome

question marks & ellipses
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