This is 90% of my depression. The first 2 photos are nearly 4 years ago and about 20 pounds ago. I’ve always been a skinny girl. Gaining weight has been so hard on my ego, my state of being, my perception/acceptance of myself.
I have words. Several of them. I am embarrassed and ashamed daily. I have never been this heavy and feel so fat. And yet I know that I am not unhealthy. I eat healthy, I think. I try. I workout–a lot.
But I binge. I do. I’ve been doing it since drunken depressed nights in high school. It’s just frustrating, because I was also doing it when I was weighing 90lbs and too skinny in college. But people thought I was actually starving myself. I wasn’t. They thought I was purging. I wasn’t. But did those accusations make me even more self-conscious about my eating habits? OH YEAH!!! Because of that I am always acutely aware of other people around me when I eat and whether they are watching me or not. Thus, I eat alone. A lot. leading to binging…leading to more self-loathing…not blaming anyone. I take responsibility. Just sayning. So, I make it a point to make sure everyone sees me eating healthy food–the HEALTHIEST. Bullshit. I don’t do it in a healthy way. I’m friggin neurotic and insane about it. And then I just end up binging on that very same “healthy” food. It’s not healthy. WHat’s not healthy is my brain.
I work out way more than I did then. I really don’t know what the disconnect is and it is frustrating me. Especially because I am an actress and feel at a loss and like I can see my career slipping away if I cannot just get a grip on my relationship with food. That relationship, like most all in my life is so confusing. I wish I didn’t binge–even on health food–whenever I feel something. I do. EVERY time I feel anything. I’m trying EVERYTHING to stop it. But nada. Even this. Writing. Sharing my soul. Still not binging any less. I’m never hungry and I’m never full. WTF is up with that?! I wish I had a more of the willpower I had when I was in college and 20+ lbs lighter. I know it’s possible because I’ve been there. So why am I preventing myself from that? None of my clothes fit. ANd I do not want to go get new ones because I hate how I look when I try new things on. I am beautiful. I am vibrant beneath all of this. I know it is something so psychological/energetic that is blocking me. But, come on! I’ve frigging tried a lot of stuff to break through all that! I’m starting to feel like a lost cause.
My blog is Heathen Come Home. Because that phrase came to me sitting in my car binging on cheese bread so no one would see me eating that crap. I just felt so heathenous and so at home at the same time. I feel there a lot. I like the sound of it. I like to think we all have a place in our fragile souls that is where the heathen goes to be at home. We all have a Heathen com Home place within our souls. It is our dark secret that comforts us. That for some reason we just cannot release. It is the demon within that we have become attached to as though we would a friend. Not ready to say good-bye. Like going home to an abusive spouse.
And that’s what I do when I am alone. And I am alone a lot. I eat. Because that is where my home is. That is where I find comfort. But I choose to find a new home. ANd to find comfort somewhere else…but where? And why is it so hard to let go and release and move on even when I KNOW it is for the MUCH better?!
I choose to release my demon. I choose to release ALL of the weight I have accumulated over the past 3 years.
…and I just chose to share this dark heathenous home with the world. Because perhaps we all can then come home…and turn the light one…and feel free…releasing and freeing the demon/heathen. Because really, I know–I FEEL, that is what it ultimately wants…to be free.
I know that’s what I want. I chose freedom from my demon and OF my demon. I chose freedom, simply, from the excess weight I’m carrying around physically…and also on all other levels as well.
I breathe in…and I breathe out.
I take several more looks at the above photos. I cringe. I am disgusted. I hate me. I choose a change. I choose it everyday. And perhaps I do change, at least a little bit, everyday.
Those pictures still disturb me. The girl in the first photo would have NEVER let herself become the one in the third photo. But, she would LOVE the girl writing this…(: