Been cleaning out the clutter of my crowded soul/mind/being lately. [Hopefully the clutter of my body–see *fatty*–will follow. I’ve tried the other way around (body first) for way too long without desired results.]
This led me to rummaging through of old journals. And not the really old ones…because I like rummaging through those. Ya know, the like jr. high and high school diary-like ones that make me feel nostalgic because those problems are so innocent. (Like me not writing for several months because it just felt awkward to write about getting drunk and no longer being a virgin and my true feelings surrounding that…) Those journal entries remind me of sneaky off to make-out and keeping that from my mom and what-not…fun stuff…fun memories…no existential problems…yet.
No, I took that scary step of looking through old journals that aren’t really “old” yet. They are those ones that have issues unsolved and also unrevisited. The stuff I just left hanging. The stuff that still pains me but that involves different people or that I deal with/share differently or that I have a new vocabulary for so I feel like it is a new thing but really it is not at all.
There was a time almost 2 years ago where I stopped dating my entries because I was all trying to get into the Mayan calendar and had been convinced the Gregorian calendar was not quite evil but not quite good and possibly harming my subconscious. Still on the fence on that, but for different reasons…
I did come across some stuff a bit earlier that was dated, though. And realizing…hmmm, Gregorian calendar not all bad.
This one is interesting…
I’m really glad I went to that Ayurveda lecture at Dancing Shiva on Sunday. Yes, I’m drawn to it. It is in my Dharma somewhere. It will play prominently in my life. I haven’t stopped thinking about it since my first session last Tuesday with Mas. I started reading the book Autobiography of a Yogi. I’m excited for the journey..”
There was a bit more to this entry about finding my dharma and my journey and oneness and balance and stuff. But I had to giggle at the innocent prophecy and seeming psychic prediction inherent in this entry. 🙂
A few pages beyond this entry I found scribbles of ashram locations in India and average pricing of one-way tickest to Delhi and other India locations. This was the time when I was going through a very severe depression and considering escaping it all in an ashram. There is no real writing on this, but I remember it well. It coincided with binge eating a lot of bagels and pastries in coffee shops and not getting out of my pajamas.
And what the FUCK?! Continually. without fail. EVERY time it seems when I reread any random journal or journal entry I come across thsi or some similar quote form Swami Sri Yukteswar to Paramahans Yogananda (it is written a lot in a few random places throughout my journals), “He who rejects the usual worldly duties can justify himself only by assuming some kind of responsibility for a much larger family.” Not only did I write that repeatedly, but I also see and/or hear it come up for me in random places at synchronistic times from others or something. A message from God…?…
Yikes! WHoa! On March 22, 2008 I have a bullet point that says “my blog”!!! WTF?! I didn’t have a blog then! THis is my first blog! Hmmmm, another of my own prophecies?…another accurate psychic prediction…?!…but that same day on another page I wrote, “Die. Die. Die. Die. I want to die.” Haha, and my parents were in town then too…and it was 2 days before my 22nd birthday…interesting…
Turned my journal into a reflective “yoga journal” in May 2008. I apparently wanted “to raise my consciousness through such a practice.”
Don’t know when I decided to take my yoga certification at Dancing Shiva, but apparently by May 26, 2008 I was journaling about how excited I was to be starting that program there and had already begun reading the course material.
Tried to convince myself that “I do NOT have a social anxiety disorder” onJune 22, 2008.
Yup this bad relationship with food thingy has been going on for way too long, I see…Repeated. repeated. REPEATED entries on that subject…with no change 2-3 years later…
Oh, then I got into raw-vegan…late summer 2008…I’m coming up to speed here. But, wow, just discovered just how mush CHANGE I pushed through in the first 8 months of 2008. WOWIE!
Oh, then the Galactic Underworld and Mayan prophecy and stuff. I’m guessing late October 2008 because that’s when dates stopped. But a lot of good stuff in there on art and acting and being an artist-actress…and Transcendence
HAHAHA! Oh wow! Then a page with a heart and the initials M+Z inside of it. That had to have been in the end of 2008. WOW! Still?! Even then?! Just–WOW!
Still can’t bring myself to go through my Mexico journal…
For some reason now the word “forgiveness” just seems fitting. Forgive me, me. I forgive myself. Do I? I forgive me. I say these words. I’ve said these words. I want these words. I want these feelings. I want this release. That is the conclusion of my night or recent reminiscence…of 2 steps back to take my 3 steps forward.