There can be 2 possible reasons for gaps in time where/when I do not write anything. I thought possibly 3 reasons but “not having enough time” is not a reason–it is an excuse to hide one of the 2 reasons.
One is that I am having so much fun and loving life so much that I get caught up in the moment and the real life process of actually LIVING that to write about it or feelings or thoughts or ideas just seems inadequate and distracting.
The other reason is that I am so depressed that I see no point in it. That I am so fed up with myself and my life that I do not even want to go where my thoughts and feelings are. I do not see it as any use or as any good to me. WHen in actuality, I am probably really scared and actually KNOW what is going to come up in the process of looking in and exposing all to myself and being 100% honest. So, bottle it up it is.
Surprisingly, I have not been doing that lately. Fighting that urge. Actually coming to my feelings and facing them…without [too much] judgment.
So, I feel like this–right now–is a time of expansion. I feel expansion. My heart is extending outward. ANd it hurts. And my natural, normal, usual, common, familiar instinct is to pull it back. But I’m not. Stepping out into new ground.
REading my semi-old writings and musings last night made me realize an untold capacity I have. It made me realize I am larger-than-life. I am and have always been wise. But very modestly so. I actually saw my growth. However, it does seem cyclical. But, i like to think of my growth and development that way. Like in spirals…
Oh spirals! I love spirals. I have a connection with them. They synchronistically come up for me like little signposts in my life. Only recently, though. Well, I guess I’ve only been cognizant of them recently. Perhaps they HAVE been there all along.
I remember hearing about the golden mean late 2008 when I started to get all into raw foods and Mayan teachings and what-not. Then hearing about the golden ratio and a friend talking a lot about it with me and how it occurs in art and such. And my math-fetish being very much so intrigued by this.
Then on my return roadtrip from IA to CA after Christmas that year. My parents and I stopped in Needles and stayed in a Motel 6 because we just couldn’t stand anymore sleepy nighttime desert driving. Naturally, my dad turned on the TV and then I stole the remote to find something. I found a PBS special on the Fibonacci numbers and golden ratio and math occurring in nature–spiral patterns! My dad and I found it fascinating, and I went to bed and also awoke still thinking about it all.
Did you know that the Universe moves in a spiral? I remember hearing that somewhere from someone & LOVED it! And this spiral is moving outward–expanding…hmmm, like all of us perhaps…?…
I remember even reading about spirals in nature in one of Paramahansa Yogananda’s books. They come up for me everywhere!
Then in like the Spring of 2009 (I think when I was in Mexico) I watched this video (may have been a TED talk…) about the whirling dervish. Oh my, I was hooked! That’s what I do! I thought we all did…at least as kids. I did anyway. And still do. I danced and spun around as a little girl whenever I could. I loved it. I still do. It’s one of my favorite things to do when I’m dancing and actually finally let go of myself. I just spin. I revisited this dancing while having pujas and kirtans at Dancing Shiva and going to other yoga studios doing the same. Finding out it was an actual spiritual dance was awesome! ANd it is in a SPIRAL! I then was like, “wait, what?! Spiritual. Spiral…Spirit. They start the same. Very interesting. Are they derived from the same word?”
Then the last major retraction and expansion I went through was about April of last year (2009). I started writing a little bit–just so very little–of poetry some of which I actually let a few souls read! Then it led into the big epic (well, epic for me because it kept going and is as of yet unfinished) haiku! On what else? Spirals. Dancing in them. Dancing in spirals…falling in love in spirals. Spiral love. hmmm…spiritual love. Dancing and loving with complete and utter freedom. I did both in one moment. Literally. Possibly figuratively too. But actually dancing and twirling and loving in one moment. I remember that moment distinctly. I don’t remember which came first–the twirling, the dancing, or the loving…because they all just spiraled together into a transcendent moment at my very favorite time of day in nature and in my city. I’ve never felt so beautiful in my life.
And that is what my epic haiku was/is about.
And that is my development/growth–in spirals.
I told a friend that once. Well, actually, I think I’ve told a few people this. I feel I move through life in spirals. Because a lot of times the same issues keep coming up for me. I keep having to work through the same problems. I feel like “I’ve been here before…didn’t I already go through this and have to deal with this?” I feel likt I’m simply revolving in the exact same circle around the same things. Like the Earth in orbit around the sun and the same seasons come like clockwork.
But then I remember this big (well, not THAT big…) spiral staircase in one of the main buildings at my college. I love spiral staircases. But that image made me think, “Yeah, spirals do revolve around one point. BUT, they revolve as they ascend…as they move upward…” And ooooooooooooooooh, that thought gave me tingles! Immediately I knew it: I move through life in a spiral. I am never exactly in the same spot and never exactly going through exactly the same stuff/issues/problems. But I do face similar situations every time I turn a corner. It is just this time I face that situation/issue/problem it is now from a different angle. I am now in a different place. I now have more knowledge or understanding or whatever. I can look and see the pattern, but also can see how far I’ve come.
I travel in spirals. I love spirals. I love dancing in them. I love traveling in them. I love the shape and living that shape. That is what writing is. THat is what art is. It is when I am brought full circle but with a newer or different or enlightened/illuminated understanding and now a changed completely new person but not knowing exactly why or how that I feel I have experienced fully. Those songs, sculptures, paintings, photographs, movies, plays, books, that do this–that spiral me are what I seek to participate in in this life. And those relationships (the ones I flee from with terror and am my Ego and not-real self is deathly afraid of) that spiral me in the same way are the ones I seek…the ones I stick with…the ultimate one that will, in double helix fashion :), spiral up along with me. And we’ll have our own partnered whirling dervish!
~Major Reveal~*Oh, and I’ve also already written my marriage vows about such a topic…(even though my protector self will still tell you that I do not ever want to get married…)
Doesn’t mean it’s easy. But the understanding makes it a bit more poetic, artful, fun, and interesting at least.
And so I have just spiraled this thought. And am spiraling this day. And I may spiral in and out of times of being open and times of withdrawing inward. But always from a new place up in my ascension.
(Maybe I’ll have some spirulina today…)