26

Sometimes I miss my feelings for 26.  (Yes, 26 is his nickname to make it seem like I have at least tried to provide anonymity.  And if you figure it out, don’t mock my code-system here.)  I miss that time–yes, that time of longing.  The time of those feelings, that is.  You know, that time when he was my obsession.  I had learned to deal with that.  I guess I’m over missing our time together.  So, now I’m missing missing him.  Now I’m missing wanting him.  Now I’m missing deluding myself that we could ever possibly be one day together again in any sort of fantastical imaginative circumstances.  I had learned to handle that passion, that emotion, that love, that power, that fire.

I don’t feel it anymore.  Someone pushed that passion out of the way.  I am grateful for that because I finally came to a place I worried I’d never be able to get to–being over him.  But for like the past year now dealing with being “over” him, it’s almost like breaking up…again.  Because I’m venturing out into new ground that is very unfamiliar to me.  Now in a place of not having that attachment.  In a place my adult self has never EVER been!  A place where I do not hope that one day we’ll be together…where one day he’ll come back to me…where one day he is my partner soul mate.

I’m scared to start all over again with someone new.  I’ve tried a couple few times–fuckin’ SCARY!  I also fear getting to that attachment place with someone else all over again!  I so desperately do NOT want to have to deal with that for another 7+ years…or even more!

I wish I was still stuck on 26 sometimes.  I had gotten SO used to those feelings.  I knew how to operate with them.  I knew exactly how to get through my days wanting him but being so far from him.  I actually got somewhat comfortable in that place.  And now, looking back, am wondering if that is why I actually didn’t get over him and move on–because I was comfortable in my mild familiar misery more so that unfamiliar change that could have been magnificently wonderful or devastatingly worse.

So, I guess though, that I can see this all as very promising.  I was able to actually leave the 26-feelings behind…to drop them away…so easily and naturally.  However, even after we broke up it took 2 years for the actuality/reality of that to sink in and allow me to pull far enough away to be comfortable with not seeing and/or talking with him everyday.  And being ok with being half a continent from him.  Could I have done this immediately after having had my heart broken by him?  NO!

So, what now?  I don’t want to orbit around every guy that I fall for for 2 years after his feelings for me fade away the way I did with 26.  Actually, it would be ideally awesome to orbit with someone simultaneously!  (:  ooooooooooh!

So does this mean waiting?  Still more waiting?  Like when I waited for him to come back to me?  No.  No waiting.  I do not wait.  I hate how passive that makes my life seem!  I LIVE!

26 is my only reference here.  I remember how I “dealt with” his change in feelings and convinced myself I was moving on.  Alcohol, parties, random hook-ups/sex.   THen the complete opposite–no parties, no sex, no hook-ups, no alcohol, no social life.  Both extremes.  I used them both to “deal.”  Both as excuses but never as choices.  And still clinging throughout all of it–all the extremes.  Still hoping.  Still loving.

With anyone new I do not know.  But I am afraid.  Afraid of this unknown…unknowing.  Afraid of where I am going and when and where it will take me.  But, I just now decided (in this moment!) to make it an adventure!  Yes!  That is what life is, anyway!  An adventure in not knowing!  Fear is still there.  I acknowledge it.  I see it.  I even appreciate it.  It is a part of me right now.  But it is NOT me!  It does NOT control me.  I adventure through it!  What is an adventure without a little fear?

Suspense–Yes that is it!  I do not have fear.  Rather, I have suspense in my life…my exciting, thrilling, life-movie!  In suspense movies, people act through the fear.  If they gave in to the fear, there would be no suspense, no action, no thrills–no Adventure!  Ah, I now am seeing dimly, but becoming more and more illuminated…

So, fear is there.  Yes, it is an ingredient but it is not the final product.  No.  No way.  Fear is like the spice that makes a dish a bit more tasty but is not necessarily needed to complete the dish.  Wow–all emotions and feelings are just ingredients in my dish…haha, my PIE…oh boy, right back to Abraham…haha, I LOVE these synchronistic and serendipitous Spirals!!

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About heathencomehome

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One Response to 26

  1. Pingback: Joyous expectation! | Heathen Come Home

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