how I FEEL right now

What am I feeling?  What am I feeling?  What am I feeling?

Pretty dang good, actually.  And in spite of some issues that would definitely warrant my feeling the opposite.  But I’m not thinking about those things.  Nope.  Not gonna.  I’m just focusing on feeling.  And I feel a lot, actually.  I feel quite deeply.  And I’m afraid of that and try to turn it off sometimes.  But when I do allow myself to feel, I think others feel it too.  I think they notice.  I think feel people like me more too.  I think feel, in fact, that those are the times that people fall in love with me.  Yup.  Those are probably the times in my life that other people have fallen in love with me.  And since I’ve been in love so infrequently in my life I think that is proof that I have not really been allowing myself to feel over the thinking most often.

That’s changing.

BUt, I’m also kind of scared of this change.  Which may seem normal/typical, but I’ve always been the one who likes change.  I crave change.  I thrive on it.  I need it.  I don’t like stability and security.  I instigate change.  I make it happen.  I get restless.  But, all the change I always like is alway instigate by me as a change to prevent stability and security in my life with people.  This change, while still allowing for more greater changes in my life to come on and on, is one that will not be to keep myself an arm’s distance (or more) from everyone.  It is actually a change to bring me in very closely–with EVERYONE.  So, that is why it is scary.

A change over to feeling.  A change from thinking to feeling.  I like change so I embrace this.  I’m diving right into it.  I get very excited about change and very enthusiastic in the beginning.  I am one of those firey types.  But being that way means I can burn out easily unless I have someone or something to keep fueling, feeding, stoking my fire.  And usually I do not have this because I keep people at a distance too far to allow them to poor their gasoline onto my fire, or because I just sit there staring at my own gasoline thinking there just isn’t enough in the tank when there are like an infinite number of gas tanks just behind the one I feel I’ve used up nearly completely.  (I REALLY like metaphors!)  What I mean is, I have my own passion and dreams and goals and desires and smiles and talents and SOUL to feed/fuel/stoke my own fire but I have brought the least strong ones to the front of my mind and allowed them to obscure my vision of the immensely infinitely stronger more powerful amazing awesome talents and dreams and desires and passions just behind them!  Ya follow?  Cuz I do and I am not gonna slow down the ball so anyone can get on and this boat that is me is not gonna stop for those who have been lost overboard or jumped ship.  (So, what I’m saying is keep up with the metaphors or get lost in the sea of my stream of consciousness…)

And that’s how I feel with my life–keep up!  Because I AM changing and I AM moving upward (in that spiral!) and onward and my life is becoming the amazingness that it is and is meant to be and has always been designed/destined to be.

My evolution is a part of the human evolution.  I contribute my part.  Right now my part is to help facilitate the transition from feeling to thinking–in myself.  I am making a transition.  It is like a transition diet.  Like when someone transitions to vegetarian, then to vegan, then to raw vegan, then the transition begins to reverse and transition to just raw sans vegan, then to perhaps raw with meat, then eating some cooked food, then back again…or not, but I know this happens–I’ve seen it living here in LA in my hippy-health-foodie community of crazies.   Well, I’m on a consciousness transition diet.

I remember nearly 2 years ago when I was at an event for the restaurant I was doing PR for.  I met this guy who asked me my mission statement.  I asked if he meant the company’s.  He said, no, he meant what was MY mission statement.  My personal mission statement for my life.  I’d never EVER been asked anything like this.  I was quite taken aback…and I typically do not allow such things to happen to me in public and especially in a businessy type setting.  Nonetheless, I was left speechless & dumbfounded.  He gave me his card.  I couldn’t stop thinking about his question all night.  I got home and got on my computer and wrote it out.  My mission statement…

“To live a life as an experiment that will assist in a shift from the current paradigm of human capabilities–physical, mental, and spiritual.  Ultimately proving the synchronicity and connectedness of our existence within the world we co-create.”

I wrote that in an email to this guy on November 9, 2008.  And I still believe it and live by it and fit my life into it.  My transition to feeling…out of my thinking/judging self to my feeling/creative self.  This is all a part of the seed I planted two years ago.  I didn’t know writing that out was gonna lead me here…and where I’ve been since…and where I’m going…


About heathencomehome

question marks & ellipses
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