Last night as I was meditating in bed before falling asleep after a LONG day on set, I had a beautiful vision come to me. Looking back it is almost like it was a an angel…a message from God…
I my recorded hypnotherapy/guided meditation session in going in my ears as I drifted between that sleep and awake state. That awake dream-like conscious trance state. I don’t usually see things when I am in this state–not clearly or vividly anyway…not like this. I don’t usually form pictures unless I am in a complete dream state.
But, this I saw. I saw a little boy…3 or 4 years old (if he was 4, he was small for his age). He was very captivating. He was sitting alone on bar stool sort of like the chairs at the tonic bar. His small feet dangling.
He was there to offer my soul comfort and reassurance. It was like he was looking in at my soul…because I didn’t see myself in this vision, it was really like he was looking at me and saying, “Mommy, it’s gonna be alright–everything. I love you.”
YES! That’s right…that’s what I felt! That is what my soul felt in his eyes and in his presence–he frickin’ was my SON! WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
If anyone knows me they KNOW I’ve never really wanted children. I’ve always said it and thought I felt it. It was like this little boy was the soul of my future SON! And, like, he knew it! Like, he knew of his future existence!
…and I FELT it!
It was so frickin’ surreal! NEVER EVER had an experience like that! NEVER!
Like, I still don’t want kids. But I do feel like he is my son. And, if I had to be honest with my feelings, I’d say that I choose him. After meeting him last night, I cannot honestly say that I do not want kids. Because feeling him and his presence and his love and my immense love for him in that moment of our meeting was so REAL!
Kind of remind me of other things I said I’d “never” do. Like, when I was an jr. high kid, thinking I would never disobey my parents by drinking alcohol in high school behind their backs…or when I was 15 with my boyfriend and I said I didn’t want to have sex because I wanted to wait until we were married…saying I never wanted to move over the hill from the Valley into Hollywood…heck, even my staunch stance on never wanting to get married is fading into the realm of “perhaps someday.”
Is that what my ADORABLE little boy was reminding me of? Whatever his message, I felt it, even if I cannot fully process it. I love him. He was and is real. He was and is a powerful soul. And my son will grow, become and do great things. First, though, I think he is waiting for me to step up to the plate and grow, become, and do great things as well…so he has a mommy (wtf?!) fitting for his great and powerful soul!
I love him. Is that odd? I really truly LOVE him. My son…oh boy…