The next day…

Why do I hide from people?  (And I know I’m not “supposed” to be asking a “why” question these days, but that’s how I feel.)

I hide and hide and hide and hide some more.

I feel like sometimes I am hiding from myself.  Well, probably more than sometimes.  Am I afraid of myself?  Perhaps.   Am I afraid of responsibility?  Wow, I guess I am.  I can’t believe I just admitted that.  Why the fuck am I afraid of responsibility?

And looks like I’m also afraid of confronting this issue because my mind just now wanted to get back to hiding.  It’s like, “Yeah, this is getting too personal and probing and we need to get back to a semi-safe zone.”

I hide from my friends.  Funny how talking about hiding right now is feeling safer than talking about responsibility and my fear of it…

I hide myself.  I hide her away in a fortress.  Sheltered and safe from judgement.  I get so scared in public.  So frightened.  So anxious.  So nervous.  I can feel it all down in my gut.  It is like my stomach is doing backflips whenever I step out into public unless I can find a way to distract or occupy both it and my mind.

I feel like this is really seriously hurting me.  I feel hurt by me.  So, in my hurt, I hide even more.  I’m hurt, let me go be hurt and not tell anyone about it and fix everything myself.  So, (here comes another banned “why” question…) why am I so afraid of responsibility if I want to be the one who “fixes” everything?  How can that be?  How can that be possible?  Maybe it is because I know it is not possible and that in itself prevents me from action and perpetuates the thoughts and the behaviors.

Could be.

I just made that “solution” up, though.  Could all just be my heady theory.  I have theories on everything.  I like to explain everything away and give reason for everything.  But that never fixes ANYTHING!

So, I guess no more solutions…?…maybe…

Is that in itself a solution?

Perhaps no more questions?  No, questions are ok.  Just no more looking for answers, perhaps…?…

Or, here’s a better idea…what about no more blanket statements about how to live my life?  Yeah, that could help.

But, no.  No, no, no, no, no!  I’ve fucking been doing that for the last year and it has gotten me NOWHERE!  I want to get SOMEWHERE!  Not even that, I want to be traveling.  Always moving.  Moving to somewhere!

What is so wrong with moving to nowhere?  Well, it better look like somewhere or else it’s really gonna piss me off!

I’m kinda pissed about a lot of nothing lately.  And by lately I mean the last 3/4 of my life.  Pissed about a lot of nothing.

Haha, that could some up my inner life.

And maybe that’s why I hide.  Could be.  I’m frickin’ pissed and I want NO ONE to know.  I can be mad alone.  I can be upset by myself.  WHy drag anyone else into it?

But aren’t I really?  I am.  By not involving others I am still involving them.  Whenever somthing/someone  is involved even theoretically or hypothetically or imaginatively or whatever, they are still involved.  It’s like a negated involvement.  So, great everyone is involved.  Everyone is there and can see it all.  Everyone can see me.  I am not really in hiding.  Because in hiding from others, I am also exposing myself to them.  (everything carries within it its compliment)  So, could this also mean that I am constantly exposing myself?  OF COURSE!  Isn’t that why I do all of these self-destructive behaviors that I so desperately try to hide be equally as desperately want others to see, point out, and stop?!  Why, yes!

I’m hiding and exposing.

And why the fuck is it that I love doing that so much?  I’m like a burlesque performer or somehing…show & tell…minus the tell…revealing and then hiding.  And yes, I do this in relationships too–give ALL of me only to hide it all away or retreat/retract myself just as intensely.  Or vice versa.

Help me find my middle ground.  Help me find my gray area.  Help me find MODERATION.

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About heathencomehome

question marks & ellipses
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