before I meditate

I don’t get it.  What am I running from?

Something, obviously.  But, what?  Me?  Myself?  Something deeper.  I need a more detailed answer.  What about me?  What inescapable part of myself am I resisting?  I am fighting it.  And it is of no use because it is ME!  I’m not getting rid of me unless I die and not even then, really.  I am me.  Like it or not.  So, might as well choose to fucking love it, right?

Yes, I choose to love it.  But this choice is not just a cerebral thought.  Love is an action.  If I love me, then I have to show it–to act it out.

What are those loving me behaviors?  Ah, there’s the answer!  Those are the things I am running from–the loving myself behaviors.

Well, it feels good to know that.  But, from here, where do I go?

Start with doing them in spite of myself.  Rebel against myself by loving myself.  Loving myself to a disgusting degree…almost annoyingly so.  Ya know, like those too much PDA couples you see out every now and then.  I need to be like that with ME!  Whenever I feel like I’m loving myself enough, that means I’m not and I need to drastically increase the loving behaviors and thoughts I have towards myself–double it!

Planning this now.  Testing it not tomorrow, but now…in this moment.  Loving myself until it hurts at all times.  If I’m killing myself, might as well be with love.

Love.  Love.  Love.  Love.  Love.

Love me.  Love me enough for everyone else on the Earth!  Then I’ll not ever need to search for or attain or acquire love from anyone else.  It may come and will be welcomed but only if it is at the level I already am loving me.

Haha, right now I’m getting into it…slowly.  Loving me right now only.  No room or time for anything else.  Love Love Love ME!

Inhale.  Exhale.

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About heathencomehome

question marks & ellipses
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