“You selfish bitch”
I can hear that phrase and that voice this morning. But hearing it in my head today is not accusatory; rather, it is like a warning. I’m using that voice to check myself. Because it somehow sounds so lovely.
Not that I am in any way proud of this title. It is quite the opposite. But, I am no longer ignorant to the fact that it is a part of me much larger than I’ve ever been willing to admit.
I discovered last night that I have a spoiled little brat living inside of me. Very very spoiled. She likes to get her way and throws tantrums when she cannot or when she is challenged. She is the reason I do not like conflict. Totally just discovered that. She doesn’t like conflict because it challenges her rule over my life. I guess, my real self–the real me inside–is not that averse to conflict. Discovering very recently that the real me can actually handle conflict quite well and very diplomatically, compassionately, empathetically, lovingly, and objectively. The little brat doesn’t like that. She doesn’t like any of those terms because they all mean not only listening to her. That is why she doesn’t like conflict. She is afraid of the change it may provoke within me.
She likes conflict when she can instigate it. Because then she can have it her own way and get some attention and even go sulk and cry and pout and win the sympathies of the other parts of myself who really should just ignore her little eruptions and go about doing their own thing because she is NOT ME!
She’s asleep right now. She sleeps in. This is perhaps why I love mornings so much because that is where I find my peace. (Look J, I’m google-earthing in a good way about my mornings!) It’s peaceful because she is asleep. The only thing that wakes her up is people. She loves attention and thinks she is the only one who can handle social interaction. Just recently beginning to learn that she is the LEAST person qualified to handle my social life. She just wants all the attention. But she doesn’t deserve it.
Oh wow! I’m really discovering a lot here! She is the one who gets to run the show during the day when I am out and about and that is why the rest of me is left so hurt because the rest of me is not allowed to do the jobs it is much much more qualified to perform. I’m robbing myself of my own success!
No more! No longer!
The brat is going to stay in her room. She may not stay asleep all day, but she can’t come out to play until she grows up like the rest of me or until she learns to play nice and allow EVERYBODY their turn to play in the fun life I choose.
…she is waking up right now…I think we’ve stirred her slumber…hmmm, interesting now how the rest of me is suddenly getting tired–like it’s already feeling exhausted before the day has begun.
She is exhausting. The rest of me right now wants to go back to bed if she is waking up. It’s just too much for them. No! Stay up! We aren’t going to let her out of her room! This may also be an exhausting process…already I’m feeling sick in my gut and I know that is her down there knock-knocking–POUNDING, SCREAMING–to let her out. Craving anything and everything she wants. Screaming for me to get it for her. She is crying bloody murder! She feels so suffocated. Why am I spending so much time assessing her feelings. Nope. She doesn’t deserve my time.
Everyone else…yes, how are they feeling. Free. Light. A bit nervous/scared. vulnerable. happy. smiley. but very weak. I must strengthen the other parts of me. The brat has been getting all their food…their sustenance…and it has been a bunch of crappy junk food! What is it that everyone else wants? What do the other parts of me need, desire, crave? I’m listening. They are so very quiet. And still kind of scared to make their wishes known because they are afraid that spoiled brat is going to steal or snatch up anything they desire or ask for. She won’t. She is being punished severely today. It may take all of my strength to do this. But I owe it to so many just within myself alone–not to mention anyone who loves me and hasn’t had a chance to really SEE me in so long.
Brat, grow up!
Yup, that’s all she is. I’m gonna stop referring to her as my “saboteur” (which she is) and call her what she really is–a selfish, spoiled bitchy little brat! All sabotage only comes from me giving in to her bratty ways. Because I know they are not good for me. Well, now that I know that, I can no longer carry on with it. It ends now. Cutting her off. It is high time she got some good discipline. Perhaps this is why I’ve been constantly feeling like I’m punishing myself…because I’ve been allowing her to divert the punishment to the other undeserving vulnerable parts of me. No more. This is her punishment for HER crimes and disobedience against me. She can scream and kick and cry and throw tantrums all she wants. This is tough love for myself.
Such growth will come from this. I deserve this growth. I deserve to thrive! I deserve peace and happiness. I deserve a smile from the other parts of me…for several days…days upon days…smiling…loving…living…laughing. Carefree feeling.
I’m enjoying my time with me right now as the brat begins to sob a bit more softly.