So, a year-and-a-half ago I went to Mexico…
Oh my, I’ve never really put into words that experience. Have never talked about it to anyone. And I just might here…maybe not now. I feel like I’m warming up to letting it out. Last night’s dream was like a signal saying that I may be ready…now might be the time. I think so. I guess it is best now. I mean, I am doing this major “me” overhaul right now and could benefit from just letting that weight off of my shoulders. And shedding it! And moving on. I did write about it some right afterward and during. But then kind of shut it out. Like it never happened. Like it was a commercial break in my life that everyone just went to the bathroom during…or that part of the movie that everyone missed except for me and it is very difficult to explain without them having seen it too.
Gosh, it sounds like I murdered someone down there. No, far from it actually. I love-hated it down there in Punta Banda, Mexico just south of Ensenada on the Baja peninsula. I loved the area. I loved what I claimed and will forever claim as “my beach.” I love-hated the feeling it gave me. Restlessness…but something more. Hungry restlessness. Agitation and anger and anxiety and love…and FEAR. Self-destruction.
My binging came back. I’d spent quite a few months curbing it somewhat. And meeting someone and falling in love unexpectedly just a few weeks before leaving for what I’d planned on being 3 months of doing what I love–ACTING!–affected it all. Hmmm, it still sort of does. It sort of kind of a lot affects the memories. It affects the feelings of reflection.
The weeks leading up to what I now call my Mexico Experience have just as much if not more significance as to the how’s, why’s, and everything else concerning my feelings of that time in my life I’ve chosen to keep so secretive.
It was a time of INTENSE self-discovery and self-study. I mean, INTENSE! Invasive. Probing. Searching. Asking. Listening. Listening. Listening. And actually hearing. I think that was what scared me the most. And the things I heard I think, looking back, are what I ran from when I began binging…on other people’s food…a lot of it…because I was only 22 (turned 23 while I was there) and everyone else was 30ish and had more money than I did and I didn’t want to or know how to tell them that I had no money–that I’d spent it all on the trip already and hadn’t found someone to sublet my apartment (the one from previous post) so I was still paying the $900 a month on that while I was there plus my car payments (because when I got my new car and my grandma said she’d pay for it, I felt bad and didn’t tell her the full amount because I wanted to be “responsible” and pay for as much as what I thought was my fair share.) So, secretive I was. I didn’t want to be found out. I already was fearing that everyone would find me out to be much less experienced as an actress and fearing I was so less talented than the others who had Broadway credits galore on their resumes.
So, I hid. Everything. Everything about me. I tried to be open in discussions, but that was just my ego & my intellect who want to “appear” open while still keeping me “safe.”
I hurt. I longed. I yearned for true connection but closed myself off from it. I had been more open than I’ve ever been in my life for about 3 or 4 weeks prior to leaving LA for Mexico. And INSTANTLY the day I got there, the doors to me closed…and all the locks were sealed…and the guards were on duty round the clock.
Perhaps I was so open for those few weeks prior because I knew that I was leaving and I felt safe being completely open because no one could hurt me because I was leaving and there wasn’t enough time for anyone to get close enough to hurt me. This assumption is my life as a very clear proof of the one of my dad’s favorite sayings: To assume makes and ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me.’
How could I have proven myself so wrong so quickly…?…
*have to go teach yoga. this is all I’m willing and able to share at this moment, because just this much has been immensely taxing. Chapter 2 will follow shortly, I’m sure…