questions fill my head

My mind is filled with questions.

Constantly.

Questions just swirl around in my head all day long.  They help me with my thoughts and ideas most of the time.  I love the questions because I love searching.  I love the search that is life.  I think that questions keep me  going–they are like my fuel…they keep me alive somehow.  I believe (I almost wrote “people” instead of “believe”…I love these little slips of consciousness…) that the day I no longer have anymore questions is the day that I die…because what’s the fun?  I can’t imagine life without questions.  My life seems like one giant large long search…a journey, perhaps…

But, there is one question that is my tormentor.  It is “Why?”  I think that question is the devil.  Literally.  In the Bible (especially and primarily in the Old Testament), the devil is most often referred to as the “adversary.”  In fact, that is the role the devil plays with his temptation of Jesus during those 40 days in the desert.  He was Job’s adversary.  He is God’s adversary.  He is the little question, “Why?”  And that is my adversary.  In fact, at many times that little question alone, when allowed free reign to run amuck, can make my life a living hell…because it puts me right in the flames of burning questions that seem (but never really are) life or death.

“Why” leaves me helpless and alone.  It always demands it gets the last word.  I can’t win with “why.”  It has nearly paralyzed me at times in my past.   It has worn me down to points where I nearly give up and just seem to “go through the motions” of life and let that question run me.

But, it never gets me anywhere.  Actually, it leaves me stuck in one place without moving anywhere.  It leads me in circles or wears me out leaving me to simply give up.

But, I choose no longer to listen to this adversary–the Devil.  I choose to listen to the Voice of God…the Holy Spirit…what the Bible refers to as “the comforter.”  Interesting…the two are symbolized by an adversary and a comforter.  Finding comfort and respite in the Voice of God…the voice within…the voice of my Soul…my True Self.

I still love the questions.  I love living the questions.  I love the questions upon questions.  I love the ideas they beget and then those questions that follow and then new ideas.  It makes me feel alive and on fire when I can see and feel one leading into another and another and connecting dots of my life and ideas and concepts and the lives and ideas and concepts of others…many others.  Questions can connect us, I believe.

My mind will continue to be filled with questions…while my heart and soul have the answers.  And they don’t answer “why” questions.  Because those don’t matter to the heart and to the soul.  They are only concerned with those questions for which a feeling will suffice as an answer…such as How/What/Where/Who (do you feel)?

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About heathencomehome

question marks & ellipses
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3 Responses to questions fill my head

  1. D. Asahi says:

    I have a hard time understanding this. To me, “why”—or at least the question of whether “why” is an applicable question—is what matters most. I don’t see what makes it an adversary.

  2. “why” leads me in circles because I ask it like a 4-year-old–relentlessly until I’ve worn myself down and ultimately just give up out of exhaustion from continual why, why, why ad infinitum. It makes me incapacitated at times and like I don’t really wanna do anything because I haven’t answered all the “why’s” of doing it yet. It can stop me from creating, in this very way; and it is in this blockage of creation that I believe it to be the adversary/the devil…because, who else would so vehemently block creation?
    And, yes, I do know that I carry both the capabilities for creation and destruction within me, but my worst enemy is that capability for apathy which unfortunately can become the result/answer to many a “why?”

  3. D. Asahi says:

    I see. I thought you were talking about the big, unanswerable philosophical questions. Yes, I’d agree that it’s better not to question your intentions ad nauseam before simply doing something.

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