Day 11: done
The internet wasn’t working at home last night so, I didn’t report to myself on my day. But, it went well. Sauna and Rawesome yesterday! Got a lot of green juice and actually TURNED DOWN B.E.D cookies…wtf? But, I did have half a breakfast burrito from Whole Foods (and stole some of the yams and butternut squash from their breakfast hot food bar…) and then some of those little peanut butter filled bite-sized pretzel puffs at my acting class last night…
Yesterday seemed long for some reason. I think it is because I didn’t do CrossFit. I know that sounds weird, but I think it’s true. I’ve been told I need an “off” day and so I took one, but it was hard. I’m used to routine. I’m not as strict as I used to be, but I still like things to stick to a rough outline and then keep my spontaneity within that…ya know, my predictable spontaneity…yeah, that’s what I like spontaneity that I can control or upon which I can be the decider. But, I’m listening to the advice of those wise ones I trust…and my body is included among those.
So, I got home last night at nearly 11:00 and went to bed, listened to my hypnotherapy recording like I’ve been doing now for about a month before I doze off. And then I fantasized a little bit about my partner (and oddly enough old partners I haven’t thought of in awhile as well…) and fell asleep.
I woke up at like 2:40AM thinking it was my normal wake up time of 6:00 and wondered why I was so tired. I got up to go to the bathroom and looked at my phone for the time and saw that it was still the middle of the night! I found this odd, but I don’t typically have trouble falling back to sleep after middle of the night potty breaks. But, last night I guess I did. Between then and my regular wake up time of 6:00, I think I got about 45 minutes of sleep. ):
But, going with “listening to my body” I just went with it. I figured my body wasn’t sleeping for a reason and didn’t beat myself up over it like I would have most typically. I let myself be. And a whole idea for an hour-long cable drama downloaded into my brain. This is the second or third time something like this has happened. You’d think this is a GREAT thing, but I’ve found it frustrating because thought I’ve been a great vessel for accepting these downloads of creativity, I have not been as wonderfully fluid at re-uploading them to from images in my brain to words on a page.
But, I’m not beating myself up over that. It seems it’s been like that for as long as I can remember (admitting to a google earth thought…) Since, I somehow somewhere got the message (either from myself or something outside of me) that I’m not a good writer, I’ve been very very self criticizing of any attempts at writing I ever make. It has only been recently that I’ve begun regularly to write even in a journal (not including a very basic diary in JH and part of early high school.) I didn’t even do that in college. I was assigned to keep an acting journal in most of my performance classes, but it wasn’t until at least 6 months after graduating that I finally took up to keep one on my own for myself.
And since then–until very very recently…well, now–all of my writing has been very very private–not telling ANYONE about it. It’s all been for me. Just for my soul. And I very often get some incredible downloads from the Divine. And very recently (this seems to be a common theme this morning…) I’ve actually started to address the possibility that, yes, perhaps I have been gifted this all. I do not for one second believe it is all coming from just my brain. I know…I FEEL…ideas, pictures, creations, images come from somewhere special, fantastic, magical, and Divine. So, yes, perhaps I am to share them.
Yes, I know I am. But I’m not forcing it. I cannot force things from the soul. There is this wonderful magnificent quote I once read from a book the I was snooping through in a friend’s house. I KNOW I was meant to open just to that page and read just this: “The soul is like a wild animal–tough, resilient, savvy, self-sufficient, and yet exceedingly shy. If we want to see a wild animal, the last thing we should do is go crashing through the woods, shouting for the creature to come out. But if we are willing to walk quietly into the woods and sit silently for an hour or two at the base of a tree, the creature we are waiting for may well emerge, and out of the corner of an eye we will catch a glimpse of the precious wildness we seek.” (That’s from the first chapter of Parker J. Palmer’s book Let Your Life Speak.)
So, I know that I have the capability to communicate these images, ideas, pictures, creations that I receive from the Divine at 3 in the morning that prevent me from thorough night’s sleep. I’m just not forcing it. I’ve tried that before, and the wildness inside gets frightened and retreats a bit.
I feel that by loving my soul, it will inevitably show it’s true Self in all its glory and with all its infinite capabilities. Right now, I’m working on a lot on Me. So, I’m not beating myself up forcing pictures into words just yet. They will inevitably make their way there.
…Look what’s already made its way here…(:
*I’m liking the smiley face lately!