Day 13

Day 13: done.

I’m writing this on Word right now because the internet is being sketchy in my apt.
Today did not start off well. Not really wanting to reflect back on too much of it.
Still craving a lot of cucumber today…
Had my second Gestalt session today. Thinking maybe I’m gonna wanna do a weekly thing instead of every other week. But, it’s quite a bit of money. So, we’ll see. So far, the Universe has provided me with just what I need when I need it AND given me bit extra to do with what I like. And I should not feel guilty at all ever about the abundance I’ve been given nor what I choose to do with whatever it is the Universe blesses me. It’s given to me for a reason…for my joy. I deserve joy. So, I should allow myself joy. Still working on that.
Gestalt session brought up something (someone and feelings/happenings surrounding) that I did not intend. Someone/thing that I at least didn’t want to come up in only my second session. Nonetheless, out it came. Reflecting back, I wish I could’ve/would’ve added some stuff for clarification, but not sure if that is Me or ego. Probably ego. I trust that all that is intended to come up and out does so on its own in the perfect timing of unplanning/unplanned life.
But, just the fact that this whole thing that is so all-consuming in my life was so brimming to be let out to someone completely unattached at all whatsoever is quite telling. And I’m not trying to figure out why it came up. It did. She had some questions and suggestions for me. No solutions. No fixes. No shoulds. Acceptance and a listening discerning unbiased non-judging ear. So refreshing as I have not had that at all with ANYONE for so so so long.
Felt like a sigh of relief—an exhale. Albeit, an exhale that was stopped partway with me unwanting to let it all out…just yet. But oh so many things to feel about.

…I guess all I want to say is, “I love you.”
That feels really good–very nice. Timely.

I was kind of down on myself today which was frustrating because it has been a very very positive week. But, as I walked up to the door of my apartment tonight after another wonderful movie night with my best friend (tonight was Spinal Tap!), I just had a epiphany of, “I don’t want to die until I like me at all times unconditionally…until I think I’m the raddest…until I have total and complete fun with myself at all times.” And I’m not there yet. And I know and feel that. ANd I somehow feel that is ok…it’s all ok. It all just is. ANd that gave me such peace, such calm, such–oddly enough–joy. Liberating…freedom. I felt so free in that. Yeah, life is just about remembering how cool as fuck you are! That’s fun!

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About heathencomehome

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