Day 18

Day 18: done
I’m tired. Yet energized too. Not feeling the best all-around today. Sort of feeling one of those funks where ya know like ya wanna just sleep through a chunk of life. Yeah, that’s how I felt today. Like, can I just sleep and wake up when life gets better? I know that is a ridiculous thought and kind of selfish and spoiled and ignorant and evasive and escapist and whatever else. But, that’s how I felt/feel.
A lot of really good stuff came up in my acting class tonight. I had some of my best work. I didn’t allow myself to celebrate it. Something to feel about. I was still in this apathetic funk. And I wasn’t like, self-indulgent on it by dwelling on it, it’s just where I have been whenever I’ve checked in with myself today and that motivating encouraging part of me was just tired today I guess so she decided to nap today and let the other parts come out a bit more. Ugh
On another note, though, I actually wore a bra today. Like, a real bra. And, yeah, my boobs have grown. That could’ve been another thing to celebrate today, but I think the only reason they’re bigger is because the whole of me is bigger which is not something I’m too fond of. But, I didn’t dwell on that either. Because, well, I think it was more the apathetic funk part of me that was in control today. And at least that part was also not into berating and degrading and sabotaging myself today either. So, not all bad. But that part of me also does not really ever feel very open to sharing unless it is probed and prodded. It’s also, though, not very guarded either because it is low-energy Me. So, thoughts, ideas, and feelings will flow out of me once the flow is initiated. But the initiation takes some work.
That work has not been initiated. But, sleep is looking really enticing right now. And tiredness can make me ramble aimlessly.

I wish I could write something vital, profound and prophetically poetic right now.

Dreamland is where all those things will poor out.

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About heathencomehome

question marks & ellipses
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