…sigh…

I wanted to write something this morning. I wanted to write something positive. I wanted to write something true. I want to write my feelings. I wanted to be honest and let it all out. I didn’t want to write something self-indulgent. I didn’t want to be depressed/depressing. I wanted to write about my 2 crazy dreams last night involving helping ghosts transition to the other side and then involving CrossFit and me and really hot guys…but, I just lost the motivation for that.
And now after 2 very very honest emails to my mom and to my yogi friend. and having paid 2 parking tickets online. ): I am feeling drained. And the day has just begun! But, that’s typical I usually do the most before 10:00AM.
I now sit eating my oatmeal realizing that it just may be my one staple food for awhile since it’s cheap and I’m broke from spending money on headshots, acting classes and workshops (shouldn’t I be getting paid to act…?…), parking tickets, and the final bit of groceries and a final (cheap) tonic yesterday at the tonic bar.
I have a couple jobs coming up in the next few weeks and I am working a lot on this independent film I’m doing with my best friend. That will keep me busy which is nice. Nicer would be a steady income from doing what I love. It’s not that I have no money, it’s just that I’m reprioritizing and making more of it go to my Gestalt therapy and to my acting classes. Because those things make me feel (: Luckily, I get free yoga!
Fuck, I wish I didn’t feel like such a fuck-up! Like everything I touch turns to self-induced failure! Like everyone can see that inside of me. I wish I didn’t cause myself severe debilitating anxiety. I wish I wasn’t google-earthing my life right now! Fuck! I wish changing was easier! Right now I REALLY feel like I’m going through the ringer. Like, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me get through August alive and well and sane and loving myself! This is a turning point month. A big one. I can feel it. Why? because I cannot see a reality beyond it. That means something has to and is going to change. And that something is inside of my head. And my regular mind is fighting it and leaving me internally battered and bruised.
But, hey, at least I’ll have some pretty awesome scars to show for the fight I’m putting up to change.
Wow, it’s weird when you’re sweating and crying at the same time. And I wanna go back to bed but know that is of no use. So, I’ll go on to yoga which picks me up.
Fuck I try! I try at life! I really do! I try. I submit. I rehearse. That is my day. I feel this has DEFINITELY been the summer of working on me. But, now it is time to put this work into action. Something is gonna change. Perhaps I’ll start small, like with following a few job leads today…Hmm…
But, now, everything I was feeling now feels…no words.

Advertisements

About heathencomehome

question marks & ellipses
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to …sigh…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s