Day 20

Day 20: done

I was semi-good on set today!  Totally avoided anything sugary all freakin’ nearly 13 hours I was there!  Did eat a lot of my one true vice–nuts, though.  And did end up having some white rice and a couple white pitas by the end of the night when I get in that I-must-eat-to-stay-awake-and-alert-and-not-cranky/bitchy/short-tempered mode.  I hate that mode.  And I do have it.  And eat to avoid it.  Hmmmm, is that really eating to avoid a feeling?  Could be.  Anger?  Frustration?  Annoyance?  Hmmmm, what am I feeling at those times?

Well, tonight I was anxious because I new it was date night with my best girlie friend and I had been assured today would be a short set day so I didn’t tell her about it (mistake #1) and then I texted here saying I’d be late and there at about 8:00.  And then my phone died…and I was there until 11:00 with no way of letting her know.  And the whole time I was anxious she’d be mad at me.  I did, however, employ some deep breathing and the anxiety was not near the worst of what I know it can get and has gotten at times of even less importance.

Well, all worked out fine and from her texts she didn’t appear mad–just tired.  And we are rescheduling.  But, I think that is where the 2 diet sodas, rice, pita bread, and nuts all came in.  Yeah, because I didn’t touch any of those all day until those last few hours on set.  Before that it was cucumbers and pears and a lot of green tea and a half a veggie wrap.  Would have helped, though, if they’d have fed us lunch and not had a “walk-away” instead.  Then I could’ve had the steady meal I’d planned for and not been so munchie all day.

I’ve been trying to plan for real meals lately b/c I have a tendency not to do that and just munch on stuff all day long.  And I think that is the cause of my weight-gain and am getting more regimented.  My therapist said that I should try for 3 real regular meals a day.  My mom said that too.  Who do you think I listened to more?

But, I have this tendency to set really strict rules for myself and then break them so that I can feel bad and punish myself for it later on.  Uh, self-loathing much?  Yah!  I’m so glad I’m recognizing it, though.  Even if it is a google-earth negative view.  It is one that I let go of.  So, no more super-strict rules.  Because I will not allow that part of myself that wants to punish myself that kind of masochistic satisfaction.

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About heathencomehome

question marks & ellipses
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