A few nights ago, I had the desire/urge to be very violent towards myself. I wasn’t. But I did play out a whole dramatic scenario in my head. So, I guess I could say it allowed me to use my imagination and be creative.
Yeah, I guess it did. Because after I went through how the whole scene would go down, I immediately thought of how it would look in a movie. Then I thought, “Wow, that would be a very dramatic and telling and intriguing way to begin a movie.”
So, I have the opening scene to a film now. Out of intense anger and aggression towards myself re-directed.
I haven’t actually written it yet. Instead here I am writing about writing it.
Writing my own creative ideas can be scary sometimes. Very scary. I am much more terrified and apprehensive about writing the images I see in my imagination than I am about writing my ideas, opinions, views, or thoughts on certain topics. Like, I’m a better essay/report writer than short-story/novel/poem writer. I used to think it was because I’m so left-brained. And I am quite left-brained in many ways. But, I think I’m much less skewed that way than I used to think.
I have images running through my head CONSTANTLY. Very vivid ones. I think in imagery a lot. In fact, I feel WAY more often than I think. I think my left brain has simply been over-working just to keep up with my right-brain who seems to have a direct connection with my heart making its internal communication so effortless. So, my left-brain decided to compensate by taking over external communication. And my right-brain was so busy in it’s own imaginative world and feeling in the moment that it didn’t mind because it had that vital heart-connection.
This means, I am so good at feeling things…and not so good at relating what those things I feel are. I can impeccably and intricately create and fill an entire new universe in my head and never find words to express it. I do that daily, in fact. I’m a GREAT daydreamer and my fantasies are the BEST!
But, since my left-brain took over external communication, my right-brain is out-of-practice with that. And my left brain bullies the right side into thinking that it cannot express itself on its own with out going through the filter of my left brain…which in jealousy picks apart all of the very things that make my left brains creations so beautiful, unique and transcendent.
And this conflict is also the instigator of much of my anxiety. My anxiety many times is simply the fight between my left and right side. Right wanting to be heard/seen/felt/experienced fully and unedited. Left jealously stifling, stuffing down, sitting upon, shutting up, blocking, or out-right co-opting the right. THe anxiety is the Right trying to come up for air while the Left keeps holding her under.
Both of them have been trying to work together more cooperatively, though, lately. Writing this has been both of them…but they’ve been bickering like brother and sister this entire time.
Still haven’t gotten my Right to get around to writing out that scene to my movie. But, I’ve learned that, when it comes to my writing at least, it all comes out eventually when it needs to and when it can’t stay in anymore–just the right time.