So I’ve really been thinking about this death thing since writing last night. And once again, not in a morbid way. I like my theory. And not because I think I’m “right.” Rather, I like the way it feels. It has a No Words kind of feel. It just clicks for me. And it is one of those things where I don’t need anyone else to “get it” or for it to click with anyone else or for anyone to even understand it at all. It feels totally sane to me and that irrational rationality and logical illogic that I love.
But, this morning as I was transitioning through that not-fully-asleep-not-fully-awake state, I sort of had that feeling of “I just died and am being born” and I realized that I have this feeling every morning in varying degrees. But, today I like sort of watched it and wanted to observe it. And that sort of made it like prolonged. And a few hours later I feel like I’m still in it. It is bizarre. Like, maybe it won’t go away until I stop putting my attention on it–like pain. But it isn’t painful. It’s just that right now I still feel in that state that usually takes only several minutes each morning.
I was also thinking about my theory and suicide. As a kid when this theory was formed the thought of killing myself or even others killing themselves seemed so foreign. But, not now. I mean we’ve all contemplated it in varying degrees of sincerity.
So, when someone kills him/herself what is the next moment of transition. I didn’t even have to think about this more than a half minute. The answer is the same thing that happens each moment. We blink. Our eyes close and reopen. And sometimes we forget what just happened but we go on thinking, “that was weird.” Well, I think those moments we forget a bit of something perhaps we are fearing whatever that something was because we weren’t ready for it or because it was too powerful and so we “kill” the thought/idea/emotion/feeling–a part of ourselves.
But we keep going on. We blink and start anew. We are reborn. A new moment.