So, last night I was searching for parking before my acting class at John Rosenfeld Studios. I was driving around the block where the Whole Foods is at Santa Monica and Fairfax looking for expired meters or spots that stopped metered parking enforcement at 6:00. I had to pass the studio and circle the block at Fountain. This was all at rush hour time on a Wednesday evening.
…and all of a sudden I had one of those realization moments. One of those moments where you step out of yourself and observe yourself from a distance and briefly get a chance to look at the big picture. Odd that this came when I was rushing. But it was a welcome relief from unnecessary self-imposed stress. What I observed and realized was that I had just made it to Hollywood from Venice in about 40 minutes during rush hour and it was all so easy and effortless–like as easy as driving the 2.5 miles to school was each and everyday when I was in high school and petrified of driving on the dreaded interstate.
Impressed with my knowledge of this city’s streets and ways of LA traffic, I came to the even bigger realization–I was driving to an acting class in Hollywood! I freaking live in LA! This is HUGE!
When I was a kid I would look west and dream and imagine and pine and create stories of my life in LA. I knew that it would happen. As a kid, it was all so romantic…and it all seemed so far away…so other-worldly. It was my fantasy. I preferred to look or face west…and south because LA is southwest of Iowa. 😉 I always preferred our family vacations that had us traveling west…like the times when we went to Arizona…I was so amazed how CLOSE we were to LA. I preferred the sunset to the sunrise because it was in the west. (Now, of course, I’m completely opposite.)
But, true to my character. I never told anyone this. Not even my mom. This was my fantasy. ANd even today anyone no one ever knows my fantasy of the moment. It’s mine. And it is sacred…and vulnerable because it is so tightly bound up in my true self.
And last night just as I rounded the corner at Fairfax and Fountain all of this hit me like a dream does–ya know, like one thought on top of the other all simultaneously. And I began to cry. I began to cry joyfully for that little girl inside of me. I was totally not stressed anymore about parking. I even screamed out loud in my car, “I freaking live in LA!” as tears came down my face.
I live a surreal life. And I am soooooooooooo grateful for it. That little girl me was so very imaginative. But she never imagined my current reality. And last night I realized just how blessed beyond my wildest dreams I am just to be living here. That little girl wanted to be here sooooooooooo bad! She yearned for it. She was the me who would shut her bedroom door and pretend her room was the movie set and the mirror the camera and would transport herself west.
Last night she came back and thanked me. And all I could do was feel her presence and she brought me SUCH assurance and calm. I’m so glad she and I connected last night. She has been wanting to come out for a long time. She knew I was finally here but I’ve never let her come out to play in the city she dreamed of for so long.