Ok, not really entirely ready to talk to much in detail anymore about my trip to Mexico with Transcendence Theatre Company last spring.
But, perhaps if I start with small little things I’ll stop beating myself up over what I hide away in a dark corner of my heart because to me it reeks of failure–personal failure on many levels.
This morning I was listening to a CD of a friend’s music that he burned for me just a day or two before I left on what was to be an exciting epic journey of untold potential.
While I was in Mexico, that CD was all I listened to. Well, music-wise anyway. I did listen to some books on tape every now and then. Usually David Wolfe or Tony Robbins or the like. But musically, I had that CD running over and over.
As I got homesick for LA and my yoga and tonic bar friends, that CD became more vital to me. It was home. It reminded me I was loved. Not that I wasn’t loved where I was, but I was definitely unfamiliar.
I listened to the songs on that CD so much. They became a part of me. I felt each and everyone. Had them each memorized. They were burned into my memory and my heart. I’d sing along with them when I was alone. And I began to really love listening to this same artists new songs online and then his old songs on the CD and create a sort of anthological collection and dialogue between them and my soul.
But, I also became more and more introverted, closed off, isolated, and my alone. Alone is fine sometimes. I prefer it often. But alone in a country where you only know about 13 other people most of which you just met and none that have known you for more than 6 months…that isn’t alone, that is lonely isolation.
Combine that with a yearning to be heard, seen, felt but so desperately afraid to express, and it is a very awkward and uncomfortable place to be.
I would drive my car at night sometimes in the darkness of Baja Mexico and play that CD. And it spoke to me. It understood me.
I still connect to those songs…and always with that artist. But not since the long drive back to LA alone with that music have I connected with it in such a personal and vulnerable way.
That was until this morning. When I had to drive from Burbank to Venice (ugh!) That CD was in my car’s player (because these days I often stick it in when I feel I want an escape) on #3…the longest track on the entire thing…like 8minutes long! After less than 20 seconds I could not control the tears. It had peeled back another layer. In fact, I’m pretty sure it pealed back like 4 or 5 layers–it cut deep! And I couldn’t stop listening to that particular song. #3. I had to stop in a grocery store parking lot for a bit it was so powerful! I felt nauseous! Like, I really felt like I was gonna vomit! I remember a similar feeling when my I had my heart broken for the first time. This was similar…but different at the same time.
And I had to email that friend who was singing it. I felt like it somehow had released something huge and I still feel like it is releasing and like I need to get everything out that those layers had contained within them for probably a very long time!
It just all made me think of that Mexico experience because I thought I had that song figured out for myself. Like I had what it meant for me. I had listened to it so much. I got it…or so I thought. I thought that I’d listened to it so many times that there was nothing more to be revealed. Oh, so untrue!
I love that there are about 12 other songs on that CD that I ‘think’ I’ve got…can’t wait for their yet to come unknown revelations!