Mexico Chapter #2: Revelatory Music

Ok, not really entirely ready to talk to much in detail anymore about my trip to Mexico with Transcendence Theatre Company last spring.

But, perhaps if I start with small little things I’ll stop beating myself up over what I hide away in a dark corner of my heart because to me it reeks of failure–personal failure on many levels.

This morning I was listening to a CD of  a friend’s music that he burned for me just a day or two before I left on what was to be an exciting epic journey of untold potential.

While I was in Mexico, that CD was all I listened to.  Well, music-wise anyway.  I did listen to some books on tape every now and then.  Usually David Wolfe or Tony Robbins or the like.  But musically, I had that CD running over and over.

As I got homesick for LA and my yoga and tonic bar friends, that CD became more vital to me.  It was home.  It reminded me I was loved.  Not that I wasn’t loved where I was, but I was definitely unfamiliar.

I listened to the songs on that CD so much.  They became a part of me.  I felt each and everyone.  Had them each memorized.  They were burned into my memory and my heart.  I’d sing along with them when I was alone.  And I began to really love listening to this same artists new songs online and then his old songs on the CD and create a sort of anthological collection and dialogue between them and my soul.

But, I also became more and more introverted, closed off, isolated, and my alone.  Alone is fine sometimes.  I prefer it often.  But alone in a country where you only know about 13 other people most of which you just met and none that have known you for more than 6 months…that isn’t alone, that is lonely isolation.

Combine that with a yearning to be heard, seen, felt but so desperately afraid to express, and it is a very awkward and uncomfortable place to be.

I would drive my car at night sometimes in the darkness of Baja Mexico and play that CD.  And it spoke to me.  It understood me.

I still connect to those songs…and always with that artist.  But not since the long drive back to LA alone with that music have I connected with it in such a personal and vulnerable way.

That was until this morning.  When I had to drive from Burbank to Venice (ugh!)  That CD was in my car’s player (because these days I often stick it in when I feel I want an escape) on #3…the longest track on the entire thing…like 8minutes long!  After less than 20 seconds I could not control the tears.  It had peeled back another layer.  In fact, I’m pretty sure it pealed back like 4 or 5 layers–it cut deep!  And I couldn’t stop listening to that particular song.  #3.  I had to stop in a grocery store parking lot for a bit it was so powerful!  I felt nauseous!  Like, I really felt like I was gonna vomit!  I remember a similar feeling when my I had my heart broken for the first time.  This was similar…but different at the same time.

And I had to email that friend who was singing it.  I felt like it somehow had released something huge and I still feel like it is releasing and like I need to get everything out that those layers had contained within them for probably a very long time!

It just all made me think of that Mexico experience because I thought I had that song figured out for myself.  Like I had what it meant for me.  I had listened to it so much.  I got it…or so I thought.  I thought that I’d listened to it so many times that there was nothing more to be revealed.  Oh, so untrue!

I love that there are about 12 other songs on that CD that I ‘think’ I’ve got…can’t wait for their yet to come unknown revelations!


About heathencomehome

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