I’m kind of tired this week. A bit sleep deprived. So, my mind may be being a bit funky.
Notwithstanding…I just wanted to use that word because I like big compound words that aren’t nouns. I like large transition words. They make me sound smart. But, it’s not just that. I also really like the way they sound–most of them sound like a transition. It’s weird. Maybe it’s just me…
But, I need a transition here because that has nothing to do with what I sat down to write.
Well, it might have something to do with it. In fact, I think everything has something to do with everything since we’re all connected and all.
But, I digress. (I also like finding occasions to use that word.)
Anyway…(But I often choose this word instead.)
So, my tired self still got up at about 5:30 this morning and went to 6:00AM CrossFit. When I go to the 6:00 class, I drive because it is still dark out in LA and even though I love the long walk and like to think my neighborhood is super-safe, it’s best at that hour to drive.
So, I was getting my tired self into my car and feeling kind of down on myself. Not super down–just kinda. I was doing that whole remembrance/nostalgia thing where you remember when times were better and all that when really at the time they weren’t it’s just the effect of memory and the coloring you give it with all those nostalgic feelings.
I had a rush of such memories and their accompanying feelings flood my head in a very short span of time. This added to me feeling down on my present self and berating her not being what I was (when really I have grown since those times and in all honesty, things were never better than they are right now.)
Then, suddenly, I was like, “ENOUGH!” I am so sick and tired of beating myself up in the present by comparing myself with a fake past. And that is all that nostalgia is and all that nostalgia does. It is a glamorized/romanticized/idealized/exaggerated remembrance of things past. And since I have pretty amazing imagination, nostalgic memories can be very vivid and intense sometimes.
This is not a good thing most often. The intensity of them is like a sharp spear headed right for me. These “memories” do not serve me in any way.
I’m not saying that I do not value my memories and that I do not have wonderful, fun, fond, loving memories. I have SEVERAL of them. And, actually, it is most often those good memories that I used to beat myself up. Because I bring ’em up when I’m feeling low or kinda low and somehow paint a picture that I never used to feel so down. When really I did, but I don’t store as many of those memories, because sheesh, those are the ones I have no love for and therefore have no attachment to.
Attachment. It must all com back to that. Oh boy.
But what I was getting at was that in a very minute moment all of the above came to me. And almost as instantaneously, my strengthening true Self posed a challenge. Could I go a whole day without any nostalgia? Could I go a whole day without bringing up any romanticized and fictionalized memories?
I thought of it like a scaled down amnesia. LIke, I remember information and people and all that important pertinent stuff. But random memories attached to a strong feeling I’ve imposed post-experience could be tapered off dramatically. At least for now. I think it would be beneficial for me.