I am weak in my strength and strong in my weakness.
That discovery was made today.
It doesn’t seem to make a whole lot of sense…but, to me it is crystal clear.
I always feel like I’m putting on a facade of strength. ANd I feel that the immense effort I make to appear strong leaves me oh-so depleted!
When I just realize that yes, perhaps I am weak and allow myself to [heaven forbid] be weak, I actually feel that burden lifted and begin to feel really strong.
It took a physical realization of this (in CrossFit of all places) for me to discover this theme running through much of my life. When I was lifting and ‘thought’ I was strong and could do it, it somehow seemed harder. When I was exhausted and had given up any pretense of appearing or looking strong, I felt an ease and a hidden strength begin to activate.
I had to step back and analyze this in a meditative state later on. I realized I continuously do it in nearly all areas of my life.
Oh man…and it brought me right back to the struggle that has been ominously staring me in the face with increasing intensity–my inability/discomfort with allowing myself to be vulnerable.
Ok, the Universe threw it right back in my face. And it actually felt good! I liked it. Because since I’ve spent so much of my life finding comfort in being–or appearing–strong, realizing that my real strength is those times when I have to gather all my courage and risk being weak now seems like one of those challenges I love to much. I mean, if it is something that will make me truthfully strong, then it is something I’m after.
I know a lot of people have been telling me this for quite some time now, but it truly is one of those things I’m needing to discover and live and experiment on my own.
I want to be strong. It is one of those things in life that for some reason is so vitally important to me. (Being ‘vital’ is another thing very important to me…but that is sooooooo much more for another topic…) So, now I know what it takes to be really strong…and courageous. ANd I really really REALLY mean that I am doing it. Now. It is done. Something I’m choosing for now. And pursuing vehemently from this moment on. Finding my strength. Because it feels so good!
And actually, having the least amount of fear surrounding it than I ever have previously! I am so ready for this adventure.
In fact, this entire year has been SUCH an adventure. So miraculous and heartbreaking. And I KNOW there are some more heartbreaks to come and a few more miracles as well. And I’m choosing to be vulnerable and let both affect me. I want both. I feel deeply and I am ready to allow for deeper feeling…to be touched down deep…
Multiple layers were peeled back in an INSTANT on this past Thursday morning in a yoga class. I came out of it balling. Uncontrollable tears streaming down my face without holding back. LIke, one of those cries where your face is at peace and almost expressionless as you give up and give in to what ever energy is choosing to release via your tear ducts.
I did that.
And processed it a little. But not fully. I want to. But have been busy. I just know something big was dislodged. Like my soul cut some dead weight and threw it overboard never to be seen again.
In my weakness I was strong enough to release ALL of those layers in moments. And I have no words for the feeling…except pleasant…yeah, that fits.