beyond the whiteboard
I check all these each morning and spend my time that I’m trying to waste on them primarily.
I also use them, in the above order, to distract myself from myself.
…and from others.
Interestingly enough, I rarely use YouTube…
but lately I’ve been really distracting myself a lot. I am avoiding or hiding from something.
Something big is on the horizon.
It is about to come up to the surface of my soul…but I keep stuffing it back down.
I’m feeling much more numb than I have in a long time.
And feeling lacking in creativity.
But, I’m still flowing. I just don’t feel much of anything new and exciting right now. And that doesn’t really have me down in the dumps. Rather, it just kind of has me flatlined a little bit.
I know what I want. I want a lot. A lot of stuff. I still have a lot of passion and drive. I just feel a little unaffected.
I want to feel affected.
I had a friend tonight tell me that I’m a charmer. And he meant it as a compliment. Is it? He said that people need me in their lives for the charm I bring.
I don’t know…I always thought of a charmer as deceitful.
And is that who I am…just someone to charm…
Had another friend tease me today about being a tease. Yup, I am. Heard that one a lot.
Perhaps I’m not allowing myself to be affected. Once again guarded. Guarding myself.
I’m watching myself a lot lately. Like, I feel like I’m watching myself as though through a window on the other side of a separate dimension…not really ready yet to step into this life and this dimension. Just watching keeps me safe from any harm.
But I want to participate. I also want to affect other people!
I want to be VITAL!
Ha! That’s a recurring theme. I first voiced this desire very beginning of 2009 before the Mexico exploration…that was my reasoning for going–wanting to be VITAL in some way on this earth.
And I STILL want that vitality! I am STILL searching for it. THAT IS WHAT I WANT OUT OF LIFE!!! I want to feel VITAL! That word arouses such strong emotion in me. It is very very powerful for me. It is pretty much the impetus behind about 75% of all of my decisions–especially the big ones.
It also haunts me! It is like a little voice in the background taunting me. Calling me towards it. But what is it? And what does it really truly feel like! I want to know! I feel like I’ve never felt it. And I really really want to!
Ha! Reminds me of last Friday night with my best friend…talking about sex. Well, she was anyway because my sex-life is like the Platte River (if you’ve ever driven through Nebraska, you know what I mean…) She was talking about having AMAZING sex. And I was so jealous. Not because I want her sex life, but because something hit me. I was like, “Oh wow…I have no idea what she is talking about!” I really could not relate. It was like I might as well be a virgin. I really didn’t have reference for her term ‘amazing sex.’ And it hit me–it is because I’ve never had it!
It’s like explaining love to someone who’s never fallen in love before. I’ve never had amazing sex! ):
She said she felt really sorry for me. I really didn’t/don’t…because–like the person who’s never fallen in love–I don’t know what I’m missing out on. It’s like missing someone you’ve never met.
But it is also like indifference. I’d rather absolutely love or vehemently hate than be indifferent. Fuck, my sex life is like INDIFFERENCE…yikes!
But, is it really a yikes? Yes, it is because it leaves me feeling less than vital. And feeling that to me is the most depressing thing that I can feel.