this just happened…

So, it has been awhile since I actually sat down and just put what’s inside into words either on paper or on the screen.

Doing that now b/c I have time and am feeling very very stressed and anxious and nervous and depressed.

I would say that it came on all of a sudden.  But that is not true.  It has been growing and building.  I have been stuffing it all back down & keeping it all in.

I feel like I may be failing at my commitments to myself.  I feel like I am failing me.  I feel completely exhausted by life and at the same time feel completely unjustified in feeling this way!

I hate hate hate how there are so many things I know but somehow do not feel.  I hate that I know all of the “supposed to’s” that will get me to my goals and make me happier and more content.

One good thing, though, is that this time around (these feelings have come about in the past quite regularly) I’m doing less ‘why-ing.’  I’m  not questioning the reasoning behind these feelings.  I’m getting better at accepting them as the ebb and flow of the ocean waves.

So, I guess that’s a plus.

I really don’t know where I am going with this here today.  I just felt like I should probably let this out.

My older brother called me today.  I would love to go into how that conversation made me feel, but out of respect for him I cannot justify blogging about him after he has expressed to me his opinions and feelings regarding my writing.  So, that is something to save for within my heart…

I wanted to write these past 5 days.  But, I’ve been “busy” and kind of also felt like just experiencing some of the ride I’ve been on.  It has been fun.  But not as fun as it could be, I know, because I’m still taking too much time google-earth observing myself–both when things are going bad and when they are going well.

So, some ‘just experiencing’ has taken place.  In fact, more so than usual which can be considered a ‘good’ thing.  But, it has also been infested with little bits of self-judgment along the way…and increasingly so the past couple days when things were less busy and less whirlwind-y.  I’ve begun to come down from the ‘high’ of a bit of a change in my choices and…oh, wait, is that it?  Yes, it is–that saboteur has been creeping in these past couple days!

Oh–aha!!  That is what it is.  Well, good thing I guess that it has been awhile and I didn’t quite recognize her.  But, she cannot be that sneaky with me!  I see her  now!

Oh, how I love writing!  I really do.  I do not consider myself a writer.  I never have.  Never thought I could write anything that anyone outside of myself would find fascinating.

I still think that.  It’s just that now I don’t care that no one else is fascinated–I AM!  I always have been.  Is that a bit self-indulgent/pretentious to say that I write because I find my own writing fascinating to myself?  ANd that I only write to satisfy my own fascination/imagination/creativity.  It really isn’t for anyone else.  If anyone else joins me in my fascination, wow, that’s cool…and welcome!  But it’s not originally intended for anyone other than me.  The true me.  My inner Self.  My SOUL.

I feel like when I write–like right now, for instance–that I can exhale.  Exhale fully.  I can sigh…a sigh of relief.  My inner self does a little workout.  An intense and short one, perhaps…like CrossFit ;).  And then when it has expended itself, it is like that long awaited Savasana at the end of yoga.  THat time that the soul gets to rejuvenate and relax.

Yeah, that’s what this just felt like.  It felt like my inner Self did CrossFit AND yoga…and is now fully prepared to just BE.  To just sit in itself.

I really do feel that way RIGHT NOW!

I like how I just documented my writing experience as I wrote.  It makes me smile.  LIke, a genuine smile.  A relaxed smile.  One that is not forced.

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About heathencomehome

question marks & ellipses
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