I really just want a cuddle buddy right now.
Wow, that is such an uncharacteristic statement for me! I typically am not a good cuddler. I’m kind of awkward at it most often. Except with my mom or dad or my best friend. But, cuddling with a boy…yeah, so not good at that type of intimacy.
It just seems so kind of, well, ‘gray area’ for me. And, I just am so uncomfortable with gray area. I guess I consider cuddling gray area because it is not really anything physical/sexual…but, yeah, it kind of is, too.
I like things clearly defined. Cuddling, for me usually means leading somewhere–sex or something sexual. So, unless I want that with someone or he wants that with me, I kind of feel it is a useless act when shared with the opposite sex.
But, I do love physical touch. In fact, that is how I feel I express and receive love the best. And perhaps this is why cuddling is so uncomfortable for me–because physical touch is really REALLY strong for me. I can’t take it lightly. And I don’t give it lightly. I give it casually, but only to those I love. Watch and take notice.
But, right now. I’m feeling like I really just want to cuddle. Last week I had a rapid and short-lived series of hook-ups which was something also uncharacteristic of me currently. And since I’m the type to work in extremes, this week I feel I’ve kind of reverted back to the other extreme. (and I love how the weather has jumped from extremes right along with me)
But, today I feel a little open, exposed, self-battered, and a bit bruised from attempting some things I somehow allowed myself to convince myself that I’m “supposed to” be doing. And, in all honesty, I’m feeling like a cuddle buddy would be the best possible remedy. It is much better than hardening my shell and building up my defenses like I usually do.
I don’t want to do that. Not right now, at least. Right now, I want to have a man with whom I may cuddle on this cool rainy LA night. That’s all.