I wish…

I wish I could tell you how mush I miss you…how much I love you.

I wish you were here right now

I wish I didn’t feel this way. I wish I didn’t long for you so achingly.

I really really really don’t like being defeated.  And even more so, I don’t like that I consider trapped in a cycle of unrequited love as being defeated.  I don’t like that I misconstrue vulnerability as being defeat.

I do like that I feel deeply.  But sometimes I feel deep pain.  Not really caused by anyone.  Not really caused by me.  Just there.  Just because.  Because I feel.  Because, yes, I am sensitive.  I don’t like admitting that, either.  I want to be hard and tough.  I want to be a fighter.  I want to win.  I always want to win.

But, I don’t feel lately like I’m winning.

I just want you here.  Someone.  That feeling maybe.  That feeling of you.  Someone known and unknown.  I need/want to feel you.  I need/want to be felt.  Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually felt.  Touched.  Touched in all those ways.  And transcendentally touched.  Surprisingly touched.  Jarringly touched.  Felt.

I like my aloneness.  But sometimes I want to share it.  I know that sounds odd, but I want to share and be alone.  Best of both worlds, I guess.  Right now that would be my ideal.  Just someone to sit and share my aloneness.  Like that someone with whom you can sit endlessly in silence…and still communicate without movement or speech.  Being felt.  With someone alone because you just don’t really feel separate from one another in that moment.  So, as one, you are alone.

And right now, if I sit and feel and concentrate with ease, I can have a silent conversation with my (un)known partner this evening.

Why are you not here?  With me?  What is keeping you?  Don’t you feel me?  I can hear you.  will you please just come and join me tonight?  Just for tonight.  Just for this MOMENT.  Just now.  To hold me.  HOld me in your arms and in your thoughts and in your soul.

To be held.  Yes, I wish for that.  Just now…but, I just don’t know how long that “now” is…

I just want someone to go to bed with me tonight.  to breathe with.  Intimacy.  Wow, did I just actually admit that I want intimacy?!

Yes, that’s what I’m calling for right now on this rainy LA night as I prepare to go to my bed early and snuggle up with my fantasies…

Advertisements

About heathencomehome

question marks & ellipses
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s