Have you ever had one of those moments where you can FEEL yourself growing up?
I had one of those moments yesterday in my car on the freeway headed to Orange County at about 9:00AM.
I don’t really remember exactly what I was thinking or feeling at the time. But I do know that in a moment I felt what it feels like to be growing up.
I don’t think we ever get to a point where we are “grown up.” But, I do think that we are constantly growing up. I used to hate using that term. You know, because I associated it with growing old or with becoming an adult. But, very recently I’ve come to my own personal realization about life and change.
And now, I really hate just using the term “growing.” It is kind of like that term “healing” or “cleansing.” It really is really is ridiculous. Seriously. I’m beginning to get really annoyed with vague go-nowhere terms. And I am in a city with a culture that LOVES them. It seems like this cult of non-specificity. And it seems like this cult is glorified/deified in some way. Like somehow since we don’t really know the answers to anything, we are going to be very ethereally general so as not to offend anyone or–even worse–be wrong.
But, I think I’m fucking over it. I’d much rather be wrong and specific. I’d much rather feel something fully or not at all than to generally feel something or TRY to feel somthing that is so non-specific you don’t even know what it is you are trying tof eel in the first place…maybe…perhaps…I think. Whatever.
So, back to growing up. We are continually growing up. Why do I like ‘growing up’ better than ‘growing’? Well, it’s because it gives you a GOAL! A destination. It gives reason and meaning. And, yes, I am well aware that perhaps there ultimately is no meaning to our existence and that we have assigned all these meanings because we somehow have a selfish need to be significant. Well, yes. I do have that selfish need. My fragile psyche does need it. At least now it does. Because when I think that there is no reason for me to do something or even to be, I go into a depression that keeps on spiraling downward. So, yeah, if a possibly fake or made-up raison d’etre is necessary to keep me out of depression, than I’ll use it. Perhaps that makes me less intellectual or less strong or whatever. But, I’m slowly beginning to accept the ok-ness of these things.
A bit off subject again…back on it. So, yes, growing up. I felt myself growing up. And it was really just a very sensitive feeling. And a reinforcement of the UP part of growing up. It all kind of reminded me of my Spirals theory. And I like when things get all put together like that. It is almost like internal validation for myself from myself.
Growing up keeps bringing me to meet myself. I like the feel of that thought. 😉 Simply growing doesn’t seem to have a destination. So, to me, it doesn’t bring me to meet myself…or anyone for that matter. It seems a bit too selfish and less communal. Growing up seems like something I’m doing on my own but with others at the same time. Growing up is like traveling on a path but acknowledging it it taking you somewhere and has brought you here. It isn’t just one of those walks you go on just for exercise. It is one you go on to learn and think and study and feel and hopefully have changed along the way. And also gives you the opportunity to come to a place where there is a new path.
Growing up keeps me grounded on the Earth rather than getting lost in the ethereal clouds of non-specific growing. Growing up just adds the positive (up) to growing. That is why I’ve come to embrace this term…and enjoy it. And is also probably why I had a wonderful moment of being fully present enough to feel the growing up I’m doing in each moment.