This is an email I just sent to my mom at 1:00AM

so, I have over the past few days been seriously considering going back to school.  not to grad school, necessarily.  probably community college b/c I want to study Mathematics…for fun…because I miss it.  I miss the numbers.  I wonder if this will help or ultimately hurt my financial situation.  But, part of my doesn’t care.  Because I kind of just want to do this for me.  Is this weird?  What are your thoughts/feelings on this?  I’m looking into it right now at about midnight.  I feel perhaps it could help balance my two halves–ya know, that left brain/right brain balance.  Seriously considering this more so than anything I’ve considered before with regards to other studies.  I feel a connection with it.  But, my fear is commitment.  Haha, just like always with everything, it seems. I don’t know yet if I really want to commit to another degree. But, I do know that the thought doesn’t scare me.  It is just something about which I am uncertain.  But, who needs certainty, right?
Just thought I’d share this with you as I sit awake contemplating life and things.  Do know that this in know way means ANYTHING to the effect that my passion for acting has in any way decreased or declined.  In fact, I feel it has intensified and in so doing led me to a place to want to intensify other passions.
I saw a Kurt Vonnegut YouTube video the other day about how we all need art–not just the artisans and those in creative fields.  But the doctors and lawyers and engineers and so forth as well.  Well, doesn’t this also mean that the artists need science & math–logic and reasoning?  Ya know, in order to keep their balance as well.
I’ve always liked math…even though I was most often too embarrassed to admit it.  And also perhaps because I felt that was Dad’s area.  Something that was his and not mine and I needed a ‘thing’ of my own.  Thus, seeking out my art in acting to pursue a creative fire I have within me while also asserting my individuality.
In fact, I’ve done the same with the both of you–my wondrously inspiring parents.  I’ve actively sought to distance myself from you and your passions in order to very clearly define my own as MINE.  HOwever, in so doing, I have really just been drawn ever more close to you and yours.  With exercise and nutrition first…now on to my long-hidden math passion.  (However, don’t expect a construction and handicraft passion to light up in me anytime soon…)
On that note, I also need to admit something else to you.  And I do not want this to be taken in a negative or hurtful or guilt-inducing way.  As I looked across my room this morning at a photo of you and Dad, I realized how very much I have tried to distance myself from any physical resemblance to you whatsoever.  Not wanting to accept that, yes indeed, I do have my mother’s body.  I wanted to not have the weight struggles witnessed growing up.  In fact, I remember very young (even as young as like 5 or 7) deciding that that would never be me.  Well, it IS me.  And ya know what?  This morning I finally became OK with that.  And not just OK with it, but embracing of it.  I love you–and Dad.  I love that I have your genes and DNA commingled so perfectly and Divinely inspired to create the ever-evolving life-form that is on this planet in this life known as Mary Fae Smith!  I accept it and embrace it and love it and cherish it.  I am me.  I am YOUR daughter and I LOVE that!!  I love that I have my mom’s beautifully and femininely pear-shaped body that is much bigger on bottom than on top.  I love that just like my mommy I grew up “the skinny one” among my friends with the metabolism of a thoroughbred and thought/hoped I always would be.  I finally accept that no longer to be the case…just as I’m sure you had to accept as well.  (Let’s talk about this sometime as this has been the hardest issue I’ve ever dealt with–even more so than heart-break, I think…)  I love that my thighs are big and strong b/c they helped me use some of Dad’s running DNA to be an amazing powerhouse sprinter in high school track.  I love that they will never fully be rid of cellulite.  Little dimples of character on my thighs.  I love that they allow me to run and walk powerfully AND femininely.  I love that my body that you gave me is so womanly.  I FINALLY accept this!  I love that I have your hips and but and both get complimented copiously!  I love that my boobs are small enough to allow for all my physical endeavors and also to allow me to rarely EVER have need for a bra.  (taking after my mom again here as well!)  I love that I love food–healthy food, too!  I love that I am inherently health-conscious b/c of the way I was raised.  I love that my mom (and my entire family and extended family) taught me to love the healthy food and the fellowship of food.  I love my mind and how it works–perfect combination of the minds of my DNA contributors!  I love that I’m never quite satisfied with it all, but I love on anyway.  I love that I’m forging a new relationship with my body.  I love that my body, my face, my mind, my heart, and my soul are all MINE and unique and special and different and will CHANGE THE WORLD!  I love that I have that power…in all of me.  I love that people will one day very soon pay money to see my face, and body and mind and heart and soul ALL pouring forth to share in entertaining movie-magic over and over again.
I accepted my body, mind, and soul today.  And it was easy and difficult and instant and continuous all at the same time.  And I will choose the same tomorrow when I roll over and see the faces of my parents smiling back at me.
Thank you so much!!!


About heathencomehome

question marks & ellipses
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