If I get enough people’s 2-cents, then maybe I’ll have enough to buy lunch…

what happens to somebody who just chooses not to or doesn’t want to participate in like say 85-95% of society?  not like wanting to be a hermit and have not social contact with other human beings.  But, like, just cannot seem to function within the structures of society?  Is that what we call a bum?  LIke, the homeless lady on the corner?  Is that the only option?  Is there anything wrong with this person?  This person gets along great with others and is not harmful to anyone.  In fact, the only harm  comes when he or she tries to play by all of society’s rules.  then there is harm to that person.  to this person’s soul.  like, it just doesn’t feel right.  it almost hurts.  it is so very difficult.

I really want to know what happens!  because while I may not be a super extreme case, I do feel like the person I just described.  And all I want to know are my options at survival. Because right now it seems like ‘play by the rules’ is the only option.  LIke there isn’t even and “either/or” option.  I don’t know the alternative.

In a non-morbid way I wonder if this is why some people commit suicide.  Because sometimes when I am depressed and these thoughts arise, I really  feel like the option is to say “good-bye” to this life because you are never ever going to “get it” and by not doing like everyone else has done and “play by the rules” you really ARE a harm because you are simply in the way.  Kind of like that “if you’re not with us you’re against us mentality.”  Now, I’m not saying that I have every seriously considered suicide for myself.   What I am saying is that I have seen how it can appear to be the only valid option.

Right now, I feel like I am in the way.  All the time  I feel like I am  in the way.  Now, I am a bit too stubborn to go and remove myself out-of-the-way for good.  So, what I find  myself  doing is every time I try to get out of the way, I get even MORE in the way of either someone else, more people, society in general, my friends, my loved ones,  or MYSELF!  Like, ya know, when you’re in a crowd of people on the street somewhere new and they all know where they are and where they are going and you haven’t a CLUE and so you slow down to read signs & then you’re in the way, or you stop altogether to get yourself put together and then you’re in the way again and possibly in danger because of your cluelessness, or you step or pull aside right in someone else’s way and to get out of his or her way you get into ANOTHER person’s way and this goes on in domino fashion, or you just resolve yourself to being lost and give up all hope of ever finding where you were going and turn around or just meander on not knowing anything.

YES.  what I just wrote above…yes, that is how I feel almost ALL of the time!  Like 99% of it.  without exaggeration.

So, I guess what I’m looking for is a suggestion. an OPTION.  a valid, realistic option.  because for the past few days I have literally worn myself out over it.  No joke.  Like I’m exhausted right now because I’ve been so stressed about it.  LIke, haha, I feel like I’ve anxietied myself out!  hahahaha!  well, at least I can joke.  See, the “end it” option is no good for me.


About heathencomehome

question marks & ellipses
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