I’m up. it’s just before 6:00AM–my prime time of day. I usually feel my very best at this time and it lasts until about 9:00AM.
Right now I’m writing instead of working out which is not typical. Go potty, brush teeth, check email, make bed, workout is usually this order I do things.
But now I’m writing. Because I don’t feel like talking to anyone. But, it’s not like I’d be talking to anyone right now anyway…more like instead of talking to anyone for awhile…prior to now and predictably after now.
I feel like it’s been so long since I actually talked to anyone. Like, wow, my feelings have been inside for quite a few weeks with no outlet. I can feel myself getting angry. Yup, here it comes…oh, wow, this writing just may go there…
But, what is beneath this anger that I always fall upon? Is it fear? Of course. Probably. Ok, so Tony Robbins says, “Feel the fear and do it anyway.” I feel like I’m doing that. I feel like that is what my life is–fearing but living and going about another day in spite of it. I feel the fear of each day and live it anyway. And I guess here comes my anger…I’m pissed off at that!
Yeah, I’m angry that that is what the fuck I’m DOING! But, I still feel it. And I still feel scared and hopeless and bad (whoa, where did that one come from?) and evil/not-a-good-person and angry and deceitful.
I saw a Vedic astrologer very briefly about a week and a half ago while he was at Dancing Shiva for a lecture. I met with him for only like 20minutes. He recommended Thich Nhat Hanh’s book ‘Anger.’ I went to Bodhi Tree to try to find it, but I couldn’t. (I also had a distraction who came along with me, so that probably didn’t help.) This astrologer also said it’s all going to be great and that I have a great sangha/community/group of friends. I know this. So why do I fear them? (Oooo, that’s a ‘why’ question…oops.) Ok, what is it about me that makes me think no one likes who I really am? Hmmmm, do I like who I really am? Not always. Don’t like all of my actions. So, what is causing those actions? My saboteur. Yeah, no shit. Anger. Here it comes again. I hate hearing that fucking word ‘saboteur’ because I’ve been hearing it so much for so long and, like, knowing it is there hasn’t been able to shut it up or change my behavior!
Ok, not entirely true. My behavior has changed. But the changed that has been made is that I eliminate one destructive behavior and replace it with another one or eliminate one destructive thought pattern and a new one forms. Is this life? Is this the rest of my life? I know life is hard work and work on the self is hard and diligent and life-long, but I’m getting frustrated. I guess, I don’t have a refueuling system yet. I still go all out until I’m running on empty–emotionally and mentally especially!
My refueling system seems to be, I guess, going back and visiting my family. (I’m doing that next week.) But that is only my refueling system because when I do so I am simply reminded that where I do like where I am and I am happy living where I do and am in the right place for me right now.
I just wish I were more responsible and reliable and honest. I don’t feel any of those things right now. Well, because I am not any of those things right now. I am not even honest enough to tell my friends and family and those closest to me how truly irresponsible I am and have been! This is making me unreliable because it is making me avoid them because I am so ashamed of my lack of real truthful honesty with them when they are oh-so honest with and trusting of me. I feel unworthy.
oh, ho, ho…I see now you little bugger! It is you, Ms. Saboteur doing this, isn’t it! YOU are the one instigating my dishonesty, irresponsibility, and unreliability so that you can leave me feeling unworthy! Oh, I’ve caught you!
But, once again having ‘figured it out’ doesn’t instantly change my behavior. It only makes me aware of it. So, I guess the only thing making me not change my behavior is fear. So, I guess I’ll have to take Tony Robbins’s advice on this and “Feel the fear and do it anyway.”
So, honestly, I don’t think that today I’ll be able to do it all. But I’m starting. Look at that–I was just honest about not being able to do it all instantly! That’s a ‘win’!
But, keeping in the honesty. What instigated this is two things. One is a feeling/sensing from the Universe that having only one friend whom I trust fully and completely to be there and help me through my shit (especially the emotional stuff) is not serving me OR that friend. And I’ve been feeling this oh-so acutely very recently and avoiding the feeling and it leaving me melancholy and depressed because of my avoidance of the issue of the possibility of us ever growing apart or my needing or my friend’s needing someone else to fill one another’s roles. And I have just in this moment decided to email that friend when finished with this diatribe. The other was an email from the bank saying I had to use my overdraft protection. I have only $247 dollars in another savings account. I have maxed out credit cards. I have no job. Yet I continue to live and act as thought none of this is the case. I’ve told none of my friends of this. I’ve only told my mom in parts. The parts I leave out are the parts that say I keep going to erewhon on the money I borrow from her. Or that I spent the last check my grandma sent me on continuing to see my chiropractor instead of saving it. Or that I’ve burned through $5000 my grandma gave me in less than 6months. Or that I sit on facebook more often that I do trying to look for a new job or trying to seek financial aid for going back to school like I said I was thinking about. Or that I spent some of her money for the Vedic astrologer. Or that I’ve stolen groceries that I cannot afford to pay for. Or that I spent most of the money she sent me on CrossFit (which I actually don’t thing is irresponsible b/c it really helps me with not falling into a depression.) Or that I keep spending money on superfoods/raw foods/food supplementation that I know is just a result of my re-directed body image issues and that this is where the bulk of my money goes and has gone for the past 2+ years. I don’t want to tell people these things because I don’t want them to be disappointed. But, they will be if they are and they won’t be if they are not. I’m still in the same boat.
So, damn, I wish it wasn’t after 8:00AM back in Iowa or I’d call my mom and tell her these things. Perhaps I’ll just copy and paste this into the body of an email to her today. I hope she knows I’m grateful that she’s paid my rent this month and next month. I hope my friends will allow me to be honest. I hope I will allow me to be honest with them. I hope I can trust me…and them. Because I’ve just discovered that that is the actual crux of this all.