Last night I had the best sex I’ve ever had to date. It was amazing. What a send off for me…uh, I was staying at his house b/c he was taking me to the airport this AM at 5:00. Oh, and so we ended up falling asleep and slept in an hour late and had a very rushed almost-Home-Alone-reminiscent morning trek to LAX.
But, right now…not having showered and being late to the airport and my baggage “not guaranteed to arrive” because it wasn’t checked in at least 45min prior to my scheduled departure time and having to buy mouthwash at my connecting airport…it ALL seems worth it! Like, seriously, all I’ve been able to think about since like 2:00AM is the AMAZINGNESS of it all! And not really thinking about it. Just feeling. I told one of my bestest friends a couple months ago that I didn’t think I’d ever had like AMAZING sex. That’s changed now.
Getting graphic here with myself…but it was like that type of sex that once it was over I IMMEDIATELY wanted it again–and asked for it. Like, him telling me to keep it down b/c his roommates were still out watching TV in the living room…and me being unable to control or even acknowledge whatever noise naturally and violently released itself form my being! Like, “Can we do that again–please?” right after. Like, writhing around on the bed for several minutes trying to ‘come to’ or ‘snap out of it’ right after. I was putty in his hands and HE KNEW IT! And HE KNOWS it now! And that bothers me. And that is all jumbled in there with all of the stuff I’m feeling right now and have been since. Because I soooooooo don’t want a boyfriend or relationship or whatever. And I don’t think he does either. But, those things begin with an connection…and up until last night I hadn’t felt any. And I guess now I have to admit that I do.
Wow, like I just really really wanted him to keep fucking me. And all he did was look at me and caress me and I was thinking/feeling the whole time, “Stop looking at me! Stop seeing me! I have no walls right now! I am too distracted/exhausted/disarmed right now to put–or hold–up my walls! I can’t look at you because you’ll SEE me.” And I know he saw me. And that’s why I couldn’t hold eye contact with him. And perhaps that is why I just wanted to keep fucking and fucking…because I was so uncomfortable/scared of the vulnerability. He’d won me. And not in a like me-as-a-prize-way; rather as defeated my defenses. I don’t know if that was his goal. And part of me really doesn’t think it was because I really don’t think he cares THAT much about me in that way.
Also, I fell asleep. Next to him. I have only ever been able to fall asleep next to someone [soberly] after sex once before. And that was the last guy I was in love with. I really REALLY did not expect to fall asleep last night…b/c I didn’t want to risk being late to the airport…ooops, predicted that one. I slept like a baby…even if it was only for ❤ hours. And that makes me just a little bit scared…the falling asleep like a baby part…
But, then again it has been my goal for awhile now–just didn’t expect it to be in that type of scenario. I’ve been working on my vulnerability. So, it should not come as too much of a shock for me that it happened during one of the most intimate acts in which one can engage.
But, I guess I’m just scared right now. But only a little. Because I CANNOT take away from the fact that last night’s sex was something unlike any other–on a purely physical level, too. The two of us have both actively tried to not connect too much–just enough. But, we’re similar. I’m discovering that.
Right now, I am so so so very happy for myself and I want to stay in this place for as long as I can. But, I know that within 24hours, I’ll be in a place that doesn’t want to break–that doesn’t want to give in. A person who doesn’t want to acknowledge that a connection was made…a connection that we both know/feel has the potential to deepen beyond the physical plane. And that we both try so hard to prevent from getting that far.