Realized this morning that my recent infatuation with multiple different men is nothing new. It is only seeming new because I went for so long so very much afraid of getting attached to anyone. I think liking a plethora of men is just another tactic for me in this attempt to protect myself from attachment. But, since being a pre-teen I’ve always had a list of minimally 3 possible boys/men/guys that I rotate around in my brain. I think some of this is also linked with my strong desire to never ever be ‘wrong’. And if I like only one guy then he can both hurt me and ALSO prove me wrong in choosing the ‘wrong’ person for me. I don’t like either of those things.
It’s just that once I do actually allow myself to fall FULLY for someone, I stay fallen for that person for a long LONG time. I am just now coming out of one of those periods and so better able to comment a bit more objectively on it and my beginnings of returing to a COMPLETELY non-committal romantic life…because I have a strong aversion to commitment. Like, whoa–the thought of committing to one person is still very very scary to me. Yet, I do do it. And when I do it is so pathetically obvious. Like, a completely different person.
So, I guess I’m reminded of yet another manic extreme in another area of my life. I am so an all-or-nothing person. So, it is either 100% total and complete commitment or the complete 180 of that and a harem of new men.
I’m finding myself at a transition point between these two. I’ve never really been conscious enough to sit back and observe this process as it unfolds. I am getting much better at stepping outside of myself and making unattached observations–like I’m attempting right now. I’m finding all of this interesting, fascinating, and just more research into me…and I’m a slut for research! 😉
But, I’m not trying to figure out all of the ‘whys.’ I’m just observing and noticing that I have certain tendencies for good, bad, both, or neither. I feel like I’m learning so much more about myself from a more objective perspective.
I’m having fun with this. (And with the activities to which I’m more specifically referring right now!) And so so so very grateful on this day of Thanksgiving that I am able to have fun stepping outside myself and not just observing, but allowing my observing to free me to live more unatteched and FREE!!!