what’s working for me right now

Something that is working for me–not expecting…ANYTHING.

Had a good night last night with a guy I’ve been seeing a bit lately.  Went out w/him and his buddies, had some drinks, back to his place, watched some Louis CK (my favorite current comedian) and a few episodes of his new show, went to bed laughing and cuddling and then had some pretty good sex.  Then, actually slept next to the guy w/out having to be on the complete other side of the bed.  Woke up this AM early to go back to my place to shower and get ready to go to set today to do what I love.

I’m sitting here with about an hour to kill before I have to leave.  I guess I woke up earlier than I needed to, but I’m a morning person and despite the fact that I didn’t get to bed much before 2:30, I was up by about 7:00 and there was no going back to sleepy-time.  So, as I sit here I’m realizing that last night was fun and amazing…and I don’t expect any of it to ever happen again.  I had fun but really have no attachment to it.  I’ve kind of been feeling this way about this situation with this guy (and just guys and relationships in general) lately.  It is making it so frickin’ easy!  I didn’t see him for about 2 weeks.  Didn’t miss him in that time either.  Didn’t really talk to him much in that time.  No stupid facebook post-y shit.  No calling.  A couple texts back and forth but neither of us are text-y people.

And you know what?  If last night was the last time I ever saw him, I’d be ok with that.  And I’m not saying he isn’t really cool and doesn’t make me laugh a lot and isn’t amazingly comfortable to be around.  In fact, I feel like I AM saying those things.  I think it is that comfortability that makes me so ok with it all.

But, more importantly, it really is a comfortability with myself.  And I am so grateful to be feeling that right now.

yeah, so…I don’t expect him to call me today.  Or tomorrow.  Or this week.  Or ever.  I don’t plan on calling him.  I don’t plan on seeing him.  If any or all of these things happened, I would be happy and enjoy them very much.  But, I think the key here is I DON’T NEED HIM!  I don’t miss him when I’m not with him and do not expect anything from him because he doesn’t offer me anything that I cannot provide for myself.  And even better, he has no need for me either.  And that feels AMAZING!

Do I like him?  Yes.  (that’s to answer some probing questions I keep getting.)  Do I like other people too?  Yes.  Am I ok with all of this and expecting nothing from any of it?  A resounding YES!  Could I extend this non-expectation to other areas of my life and probably be a lot less anxious/stressed and a lot more happy and free?  Of course.  Am I teaching myself and learning and failing and succeeding at this?  yes.  Is this learning and exploration/experimentation process fun?  Why, yes!  😉

One of my favorite things is to discover things about myself.

and I can’t blog about Louis CK w/out posting this…


About heathencomehome

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One Response to what’s working for me right now

  1. Pingback: How to fall out of love | Heathen Come Home

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