Right now it is an early Friday night that feels kind of like a late Friday night. I am sitting here at my computer in my apartment alone in my fleecy PJ’s eating re-hydrated dehydrated kale chips. For some reason, I felt the need to preface with that.
My mind is f-ing POWERFUL! I leaned that today–in the negative. Why is it always in the negative that I learn these things? I mean, like, why is it that I need to be kicked by the Universe in order to get what it is trying to tell me?!
So, I’ve discovered just how many things I worry about or have been worrying about (and trying NOT to worry about, which, in the process makes me more worried/anxious) have actually either begun to manifest or already have manifested.
Since I got my new job, I’ve been worried whether they’ll like me. Not new, I do this often with most jobs that are not the job I really feel is for me but can do and have to do in order to make money and not live on the street or go naked/shoeless and have gas (even though that doesn’t take much since I have a Prius) and pay my massive college and credit card debt and can support my addiction to CrossFit and Erewhon and be able to stop asking my parents and grandma for rent money and afford all the $ it takes to be an actor even though that is the job I want to be being PAID to do not PAYING so that I CAN do it.
See. Wow. All that. Yeah, I worry/get anxious about that. So, yup, that puts it right there in my mind–my consciousness.
And so today I was off to like my 4th shift at this job that is easy and I do it b/c of that but they have like real strict-ass dress code. And, like, right now I cannot afford to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe for this job, nor would I want to b/c I also worry that they just plain won’t like me or my schedule conflicts as an actor and then fire me/pressure me to quit and then I’ll have wasted this money on clothes that yeah, I might wear again for something but right now would like to not spend money on clothes because I’m still hoping to lose enough weight that anything I buy now would not fit the weight at which I’m hoping to be. (run-on sentences much…) So, they told me originally ‘no leggings.’ I didn’t wear leggings–I wore skirts. Well, skirt. Considering their all-black dress code and my only owning one fully all-black skirt (and I’ve had it since I was about 14 or 15), I have been wearing pretty much the same thing all shifts. I also saw two other of my female coworkers wearing leggings the other night. So, I inquired of them on break. They said the ‘no legging’ rule was unenforced. So, today I was wearing leggings.
But, I also have a new hairstyle–which I’m LOVING–and my manager seemed to love when she saw it last night too as well as just about every customer who came in the door and gushingly complimented my new hair.
But, my saboteur (damn her!) brushed all of those good things aside and crept in HARDCORE today. I was wearing my leggings. Conservatively, I thought. But, my saboteur was all like, “They aren’t gonna let YOU wear them. You’re too curvy. Those other girls are skinny-minis and can do it cuz they have nice small asses. YOu don’t. YOu got junk in your trunk, and well, it can’t be hidden in leggings. You should not be wearing them. They don’t want to see your ass or your curves. They only want straight up-and-down white girl/model like figures to wear that because it looks more conservative.” Even though I was, I though, quite conservative. I let the saboteur tell me it was impossible for me to be and that someone was going to say something and that I was gonna get called out on it.
And I looked pretty much identical to one of the tall skinny girls from the night before. But, my long tank top (which was the same length as hers) didn’t fully cover my ass enough, I guess.
But, as much as I want to be mad at the management and be all like, “that is so unfair and discriminatory!” I cannot be. Because it was my over-anxious mind that WANTED me to be called out! It was begging for it!
And I know this all sounds like something so small and trivial. And in the grand scheme of things, IT IS! But, on my drive home after they told me that I was dressed inappropriately and since business was slow tonight that I had better just go home, it fucking hit me. I set this WHOLE EVENT UP! I CREATED IT!
I’ve also created the me I am today. The me right now. I’ve created the me that is depended upon my parents and grandparents for money because for so long and for so much of my childhood and all of my teenager years that I can remember I so so so so SO did NOT want to be that person whom lived off of her parents and was always asking them for money and couldn’t hold a job and couldn’t be successful. In fact, I think that the fear of that motivated me more than anything else to be a successful student, an obedient child, and ultimately a people-pleaser. It was what motivated me in the areas in which I thought I was “supposed” to be motivated–not in the areas of true passion and desire.
Those things had that indescribable innate motivation. That motivation from the soul that takes no outside stimulus. The motivation that keeps me going on as a struggling actress in this town. The motivation that kept me going in track and in volleyball…LOVING that thrill of competition and ultimate victory. The motivation that led me to at age 14 finally decide to take up dance classes when I’d had NO training ever before…and the motivation that led me to stick with it and make a valuable connection with my teacher whom I too rarely acknowledge or talk to. The motivation that keeps that agni aflame for my yoga practice and to continue teaching even though I make almost no money at it. The motivation to keep me striving and striving at CrossFit (albeit, the hot athletic trainers are also motivation…)
Wow, ok, so yeah…I just learned not only the power of my mind when I let Ms. Saboteur take over, but I also–just now–allowed my Soul to speak up. She does that when I let go and let her just come alive…happens when I write without pause or edit sometimes…(: