I’m a slacker…

I can’t shake this feeling of being angry with myself.

I woke up early this morning and went to 6AM CrossFit because I like working out first thing in the morning and my parents come to town for the week tonight and if I wanna CrossFit it then I’ll be doing it really early so that I can then get to spending much-needed time with them.

The workout was a long hard one.  Not gonna get into it.  But, anyway overhead squats were one aspect of it.  I thought the whole time that I had loaded my barbell with 75lbs.  But, I realized after the whole 45minute insanity of a workout that it was only 55lbs.

I felt like a real slacker.  I also felt so weak.  First of all, I know I can do more than that.  NOt only that I should be lifting more than that.

That whole insecure part of me is thinking that my coaches must think I’m a real slacker because I keep having to scale down the workouts even after 6 months of going.  And I know that doesn’t sound like long, but there are guys there that started CrossFit and in like 9 months had the bodies of their dreams.

And, yeah, I want that!  Who doesn’t?!  WHy else would I continue to go.

I’m feeling all disappointed with myself and also like no one can really relate b/c all my non-crossfitting friends think I go too hard at it anyway or don’t really understand it (probably because I close off portions of my life to other portions, but that’s for later).  And then my CrossFitting friends don’t really know me well enough yet.

Perhaps could also be my competitiveness.  But, seriously, I really really feel like for as much as I go and as much time as I put into CrossFit, I should be in better physical shape.  I should look better.  I should have less body fat.  I should have more muscle definition.  I should have FREAKING LOST SOME WEIGHT BY NOW! Or freaking at least look like I have.  My clothes should fit better and look better on me.

Yes, I have noticed more definition.  But, then why the F don’t I feel like I’m getting any better at it?!

This could be a plateau.

I guess, I’m sort of upset also that I really feel like I can’t talk to anyone about this.  Like, I really feel like everyone thinks it’s just working out or just a hobby.  And, yeah, it is those things.  But, I see how freaking committed all those that go there are and it motivates me and I want to be like that.  I want to have goals that I meet.  And, in all honesty, I have set some and met some.  But, still not feeling satisfied or like I’m giving all of me.

And, so yeah, I should just give all of me.  But that is a whole other concept in itself that baffles/annoys me.  Because it is one of  those things that is so easy to say but way WAY too abstract to put into practice–at least for me anyway.  Like, yeah I know I should be giving my all.  But I don’t want to give all of me in the way that I injure myself but get the workout done with my goal met and then not be able to workout or do CrossFit for like weeks because of 1 day giving it my “all.”

Ya know, everyone says to be sensible.  Well, I have trouble with that.  I am an all-or-nothing person.  Being sensible is not something that has ever come easily for me.  I really have no gauge for it.  And honestly, I really REALLY want to know who the heck does?!  Serisously.  No jokes.  Like, does anyone have a gauge for what is sensible?  This is not a rhetorical question.  I really wanna know if this is just something I deal with.  LIke, maybe it is just an issue for me.  Could be.  Like, I had difficulty in art classes in school while other kids excelled–could be like a similar thing.

Anyway, so…yeah.  My morning workout is still freaking on my brain.  Still taunting me.  Still making me feel like a slacker/failure.  It’s like it is telling me “this is why you are not in the shape you’d hoped to be in”



About heathencomehome

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