morning [frustration] pages

Have I been CrossFitt-ing too much when I just had a very explicit dream of an amazing sexual encounter with one of my trainers…?

Well, I just awoke from that.  And now I’m up a bit earlier than I need to be for my 6AM class.

I also read a couple blogs last night about warped beauty and went shopping yesterday and had to try on a lot of clothes and look at myself in the mirror in these clothes several times.

One of my coaches always says that CrossFit will make you look good naked.  This is true.  But then again, I have ALWAYS thought I look good naked.  It is in clothes that I think I don’t look as good.  Well, certain clothes.  And I thought CrossFit would help me in that part as well.

Not saying it won’t, but it hasn’t yet.  And that’s been bothering me.  It was last night and yesterday when I felt very fat.  ANd then I read those blogs and they didn’t help.  I don’t care because jeans and pants and several skirts still NEVER fit me because my ass and hips stick out and my thighs have a large girth.  And they don’t look muscly.  They ARE muscular.  But, that doesn’t take away the fact that I am a woman and I also have a higher percentage of body fat.  So, that fat covers the muscle.  And it is just getting frustrating that I put in all of this work and it doesn’t really show.

Like, I discovered yesterday that sleeveless dresses are not my friends.  Because my arms have gotten bigger.  THey’ve not gotten fatter.  They’ve gotten stronger.  But, they don’t really have the appearance of more muscle definition.  THey just look big.  ANd that looks awkward.

I want to be strong.  I like feeling strong.  I like getting stronger.  I like working hard to be stronger.  I do believe that strong is sexy.

But, I still have the layers of cellulite.  I still have some belly-fat.  (albeit, much less)  I don’t yet have defined abs.

And what makes all of this frustrating is that I used to.  I did once have those things.  And that was back in college when I restricted my diet to about 800 to 1000 calories a day and dropped major poundage but was also lifting weights in the gym for 90 minutes every morning and running 3 days a week.  I then looked muscly.

…but, then I got obsessive and just looked slightly anorexic which, let’s be honest, I probably was.

But, that doesn’t take away the fact that I felt strong then.  In fact, for the longest time, I never ever EVER would have admitted that time in my life was near to an eating disorder.  Because I never felt week.  I was running faster than I do now.  I felt amazingly strong.  I was sleeping better than ever.  I felt more comfortable in the gym then than I do now because I felt like I looked like I belonged there and like I knew what I was doing.  Now I don’t.  I feel like an outcast unfit person every time I walk into a gym–which is so not the case and should not be how I feel at all!

….I was, however, obsessive and had no friends because of it.

But, that doesn’t change the fact that I feel like my arm 3-and-a-half years ago on the left looks stronger than my arm 2 months ago on the right and that is absurd.

So, now I have friends and a bit more laid-back lifestyle.

But, I want my arms to look like they once did.  LIke, they have muscles and not like they have some junk above the muscle.

I want to be able to wear those jeans and slacks I used to.

I love my ass, but EVERY time I wear just about any skirt from the mall, it bunches and rides over it and makes me feel like I’m kind of a bit more slutty of a dresser than I am.

One goal for 2011:  get that muscle definition.  I want people to see me and INSTANTLY think, “Man, she must workout, like, everday!” …because I DO!

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About heathencomehome

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