update: discovery

My lymph glands are the size of grapefruits.

I have a clay mask on my face.

I’m half-naked and still wet from the shower.

It’s almost noon.

I just realized just how long it’s been since I wrote something.  Not just on here…but anywhere.

I purchased a little pocket journal a couple weeks ago.  I’ve written some in it, I guess.  But, not a lot.  Just a few ideas but not expansions on any of them.  Since college, I have ALWAYS carried a journal with me.  But it wasn’t until this one, that I finally got a more compact one…probably because I’m FINALLY not carrying a backpack at least 50% of the time…for the first time in my life.  Oh, I still carry it sometimes, mind you, especially when hiking or walking further than a half-mile.

Anyway, I have returned to my gestalt therapy sessions.  And can now say that this is something that is probably going to be a regular occurrence for the rest of my life…or at least the majority of it.

I have also discovered that it is the greatest acting tool/training that I currently have in my arsenal, and what I feel is going to help me the most–and in exponential ways–in furthering my career and creative life.  Better and more beneficial than any acting class…ever.

There was a major discovery in my session this morning.  One I was not expecting to come up–which is probably why it was so major.  But, within seconds I went from smile to tears streaming down my face.  Completely cracked open…even to myself.  I’d made the discovery.  And I’d been to one to crack the code.  It took no intense questioning.  No real prodding at the issue.  It must have been something that has been secretly surfacing over the past few to several months.

All of it had to do with my saboteur, naturally.  And I had made a joke about it–giving my saboteur a physical form to describe her.  I called her a midget because I always feel like shes biting at my heels, undercutting me, trying to shake my footing, and knock my legs from beneath me–shake my foundations.  I found this image comical.  But one question changed that.  The simple question as to whether I could identify the opposite of my saboteur–find an image for someone or something that was everything the saboteur was not or was against.  Nothing went to my head at that point.  Complete heartspace and Self took over.  The words ‘my mom’ spilled from my lips…and what followed them were two of the biggest tears I’ve ever let so naturally and easily fall from my lips.  Talk about a catharsis–what a relief…and yet not.  Because with this discovery comes more inquiry.

We didn’t have time to fully expand on this because it had already taken us 3/4 of the time to get to that point.  But, I’m not complaining.  I do feel that through this discovery I have undercut my saboteur for the first time.  I feel like she is shaking in her foundations…and I feel stronger.

We got a bit into where this saboteur/mom dichotomy originated…and that was where even more teary floodgates of truth began to open.  Huh, that’s probably why they were so teary and floody–they were coming from my Truth…a part of my Truth that I have not given any real attention or any deserved respect or even any space to be heard before today.  So, in that I also discovered some more things about myself.

…and I kinda led into all this just now the same way I did this morning in my session…takes me a bit to ‘warm up’ to opening up. 😉

And all of this still before noon.

Oh, and my glands are still swollen, but the intense fever I got while on set Saturday is no more.  Just crossfit-impairing weakness that has kept me from working out for 2 days…probably necessary, though.

…and I need to go wash this face mask off now and finish getting dressed.

Advertisements

About heathencomehome

question marks & ellipses
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to update: discovery

  1. Pingback: *Tough as Nails* | Heathen Come Home

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s