I’m reading a book a friend loaned me called The History of the Paradox: Philosophy and the Labyrinths of the Mind. I have another friend who loaned me 5 BBC Horizons DVDs on everything ranging from the evolution of the human diet to the sun to the chaos v. organization in the universe to theories on what came before ‘the big bang’ (or whether it even ever happened as a big bang…) I also seek out and tend to acquire links to videos on the Universe, physics, philosophy, history, mathematics, fractal geometry, etc.
I’ve been immersing myself in all of this over the past 4 or 5 days. And by ‘immersing myself’ I mean spending 4+ hours straight reading and watching videos on all this stuff.
Somewhere about Saturday afternoon, I was sitting on my couch listing to an Englishman’s voice narrate to me the possible refutations for a big bang having created the universe out of nothing and the tangent arguments on nothing and the shape/size of the Universe, when I started to get really REALLY turned on. The closest thing I can liken it to is when I was in like jr. high and was alone in a room with the guy who had been flirting with me all night and having him begin to pull me close. Like, that newly-discovered sense of eroticism and not knowing exactly what to do with it.
Yeah, so I feel that when I read, write, or hear about really intellectual stuff.
Only these past few days I’ve intensified my study of this stuff while simultaneously intensifying my self-study and deep observation on my life.
I emailed a couple friends how, basically, all this philosophy & math & physics talk is making me horny. Like, literally. Like, no need for forplay if I just finished an hour-long Horizons video or 20 pages in my Paradox book. Like, I could get right to it.
I have yet to find anyone who ‘gets it’ or can relate.
I told the guy I’m sleeping with (the only term I can use to describe his relationship to me that doesn’t make me feel overly uncomfortable) about it and I think it either confused him or frightened him a bit. Either way, he didn’t get it. And I guess I was hoping he would. THAT would have been really hot!
Instead, though, it kind of just made me feel like a weirdo. And kind of made me feel more like I should really just not share some things…which kind of made me sad-ish.
I wrote several months ago about my ideal man. And I guess I have something more to add. My ideal partner will ‘get’ this. My ideal partner will understand this weird intellectual horniness. Not just to understand me and make me feel comfortable and less like a weirdo…but also because I really REALLY think that we could both use it sexually to both of our advantages…just a thought because writing this made me think about that feeling and imagine it. And, well, in the moment of it, I just really want to be reading or watching WITH someone with whom I can discuss these things. And, well, most of these ideas & concepts go to places in my mind that have no words…that I really just want to express…and I guess some of these ideas and concepts translate to deep feelings within me and got to deep places that I want to communicate on a very deep & intimate level.
Yeah…I think that’s it. In fact, I know/feel that is it.