Late Lunch: Jicama y Guacamole!

I think I’m too considerate while at the same time too unsentimental.

Yup.  I think that.  Does that mix?

I discovered this over the course of the past two days.  I’m noticing how very considerate I am of other people and their feelings and perceptions even as they walk all over mine.  Have been really disrespected by some men the past week…and allowed it.  I feel like I should say something…like I should stand up for myself and be more assertive about my feelings and my needs/wants.  In fact, that is the advice I’d give to any friend in any similar situation.  But, it is always so much easier to give advice than to take it–especially when it is from yourself!

All I can think is, ‘what if what I say comes out wrong?…or offensive?…or bitchy?…or even worse–too sensitive?!’

I guess that kind of segues into my feelings of being too unsentimental.  Perhaps a bad word choice–hmmm, maybe the better way to say that is that I feel nothing is precious to me.  THAT I KNOW is not true.  But, it feels that way…and maybe it’s just that those things precious to most people just don’t feel precious to me.  And I can’t relate most times to sentiments regarding things like kids, babies, families, animals/pets, tragedies, natural disasters, hunger, famine, disease, illness, poverty, etc.  However, what I DOES feel precious to me are ideas…and feelings.  What I connect with and relate to on any sort of a sentimental level is new ideas, innovations, inventions, depression, loss of desire or ambition, creativity, art in any or its forms, writing, searching, longing for an elusive unknown, dealing and really addressing the unknown, SOUL SEARCHING.  These things make me feel sentimental in much the same way one might for a child.  I feel that same connection to people struggling with some form of creative…I guess I feel sentimental about the Muse..and the Soul…and the relationship of the two.  I am very unclear about my own sentimentality because it is quite infrequent and often non-resonant with most other people.  I just now put it into words for the first time…and it’s feeling kind of like a jacket that is just a bit too small, but will have to do.

Also, I think that I’m a skeptical believer…or a believing skeptic (which sounds better?).  In that I mean I so very much have this yearning and desire within me to believe in something and/or someone.  Conversely, at the same time I get derive great pleasure out of scrutinizing any belief of which I’ve ever heard–detailed and studied scrutinization.  Even now, just thinking about it makes me a bit giddy.  I never like to believe anything blindly.  However, I feel empty without having a bit of a slightly unfounded belief…even if it is in something very mundane/small/unimportant.

But, I never ever fully believe.  I feel like that takes all of the fun out.  LIke, if I had 100% complete faith in something–even if it is a so-called scientific law that is “factually” proven–it leaves me nowhere to go…no room for growth…nothing new to learn and explore.

On the other hand, if I am a complete and total skeptic–not believing in anything ever, then I just feel so empty…and I actually kind of end up in exactly the same spot, which is feeling like I have nowhere to grow to or from.  At least a shaky belief gives me something off of which to go.  Same goes, actually, with firm belief.

Hmmm, seems like this all sounds very much like a Middle Path.  Perhaps I’m now leaning slightly more Buddhist.  However, only skeptically…


About heathencomehome

question marks & ellipses
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