I’d never…

When I was a kid, the idea of being a vegetarian–someone who never ate any meat!–was absurd…unthinkable.  I really couldn’t wrap my brain around it.  I was a self-proclaimed meat-atarian.  I, just like most of my family as I later found out, thought it wasn’t a real meal (unless it was breakfast and it was just cereal) unless there was a meat dish or meat in the main dish.  Pizza Hut meat-lovers pizza was my favorite…and I could down 6 to 8 pieces easily.  I loved LOVED steak–preferably with shrimp.  When I had veal for the first time as a pre-teen, I fell in love with it.  My grandpa would spoil me with bringing home fried chicken when I was at their house…and I’d eat about 1/3 of it.

Then I went to college and became a vegetarian.  Surprisingly, with the greatest of ease.  I did something the child me had perceived as impossible.  And I was a vegetarian for 5 years…and never found it difficult.

When I was in high school I was a ravenous beast when it came to food.  I could and would just eat and eat and eat…and not gain a pound.  Stayed a steady 105 for most of my high school adolescence.  And I LOVED to eat!  I couldn’t go more than a few hours w/out at least a snack.  My favorite part of away track meets was that we got to stop somewhere to eat afterwards…I also liked sharing all the snack food everyone brought.  At about that age you start learning about this thing called ‘anorexia.’  That seemed like the most impossible thing ever.  I dismissed any information on that disorder as not pertaining to me b/c I’d never have the willpower to consciously and decisively not eat.  Dude, I couldn’t even limit my diet!

Then, I dropped below 90lbs by age 20.  I’m still not in a place where I can say that I was anorexic.  But, let’s just say I could and did limit myself to less than 800 calories a day–sometimes less.  Not extreme for eating disorder types, but kind of neurotic nonetheless.

Two things I never ever EVER thought were a part of who I am or would ever be.  I thought they were the complete 180 of my personality–of my core being.  I was so vehemently against both.

I remember doing a workout to a yoga video my friend’s mom had at her house and thinking it was the lamest most boring thing EVER!  I told myself then and there it was not for me and I was not going to try it because I needed a more ‘active’ way to workout.

I got my yoga teacher certification 2 1/2 years ago.

WHen I was 15 I fell in love for the first time.  At 16 the most vulnerable of my hearts was broken…leaving a scar that will remain forever despite any seeming healing.  For years I left the would open, though.  I thought I would never ever fall in love that deeply with another man in such a soul-seeing connected way.  I kept my heart for him.  I thought it would never ever heal.  I got used to what it felt like to pine for someone who did not reciprocate my feelings…but did at one time.  I actually got annoyed at my own stagnation.  It wasn’t as though I was completely uninterested in other guys…but the wound just felt so raw for so long.  I got used to the pain and, truthfully, a part of me thought I’d live with it forever.  I planned for that actually.  (1st time ever telling anyone that just now…)  I honestly whole-heartedly believed no one would EVER fill his place in my heart.  The hole was too big.

Then, suddenly…unintentionally…out of NOWHERE!  I was in love again.  I fell in love so hard SO fast.  And in a matter of DAYS my wound was healed.  Even today I can’t even say how it was healed.  It just was–without trying or forcing.  And it wasn’t like the new person took the old one’s place…rather, he transcended it.  ANd proved to me in a BIG way that I can NEVER EVER make absolute statements!

…and, not surprisingly, not even about the new wound-transcending love I’d discovered…because it was not absolute either.  And that is yet another lesson I feel the Universe has been teaching me over the past couple years.

I was thinking about all of this (and a bit more) in the bathtub today.  I was thinking about how some things can seem so absolute…so decided…(Let’s not get into this topic on religion!)…and then all of a sudden for seemingly no reason and with no effort or tension just change.

Then it got me thinking about some other “absolute” decisions/beliefs I [think] I have.

I’ve never wanted to have kids.

I don’t currently want to get married (in the traditional/legal definition of marriage)

Could these–and many other beliefs I have–change?  Change just as fast and unplanned as the ones in my past?

Still brewing all of this over in my brain…


About heathencomehome

question marks & ellipses
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