Birthday-esque Blog

I turned 25 last week.  THat’s mid-twenties.  It really helps that most of my friends are all at least 5-10 years older than me b/c I keep hearing how young I still am as opposed to several other mid-twentysomethings I know who felt like they were getting really old upon hitting 25.

Not me.  But, I don’t feel young either.  I’ve never ever really felt young…or old.  I mean, what reference do I have to compare it with?  I feel like me…right now…in this moment.

Yes, I do feel that little bit of self-sabotaging anxiety/nervousness about my acting career when I realize I’m mid-twenties and pretty much completely out of the running for many roles already b/c this industry likes younger, thinner, more teenager-y looking women than it does of its men.

But, that feeling lasts only several seconds when it comes up because I realize I WAS NEVER EVER GONNA PLAY THOSE ROLES!  Seriously, being honest with myself, that is not what I want to or will do in this acting business…regardless of the fact that it seems like that’s all so many people are after.

I’m different.  And it didn’t take me 25 years to figure that out.  I don’t fit in.  I never really have.  I’ve tried.  And every time I try, it is painfully obvious how unnatural it is for me.  However, that obviousness is only to myself…because, hey, I am good actress!  😉

I know my best work…and, heck, my best days!…are yet to come.  I have this longing within my soul to create life.  That said, I am still quite certain of my lack of any desire to be a mom.  Nonetheless, I so very very much have that artistic longing to create.  And I am so so very grateful for having encountered people in the short span of my adult life thus far who have demonstrated to me that there are oh so many ways to create life without mixing my DNA with someone else’s.

I never knew what this longing was.  It was this feeling that made me realize at about the beginning of my memory that I’m different.  I just didn’t know why.  It was frustrating to me.  It still is.  It made true communication difficult for me for so many years.  HOwever, it did make me really good at fitting my dialogue to match the material and intellect of just about any conversation.  So, yay that!

But, the more ok I become with my different-ness, the more places and feelings within me open up to me.  I begin to see myself and feel myself and know myself so much better.  I guess it is embracing and trusting.

I’m opening up.  To myself first.  Because for so long I was the one beating myself up.  So, I’m building my trust of myself back up.

But, I realized how cradled I am in this process over this past birthday celebration.  I realized that just about everyone in my life knows that I’m different–and always has!  Not only that, those closest to me have been actively mirroring it all along!  I just hadn’t de-fogged my own mirror enough to see it.

Damn, I have good friends.  But, not only that.  I am so very grateful to say that as I turned 25 and now begin my 26th go around the sun, I love myself!  I like ME!  The level of trust I now have for myself is growing exponentially!!

My mom has always said that she hates the phrase ‘the best years of your life’ when people are referring to high school or college or twenties or something like that because she has always felt she is currently living the best years of her life.  I always tell her that that outlook she has is such a wonderful gift that she has given me…because I feel she left a part of that outlook in my DNA.  😉

I was driving to CrossFit this morning and I reminded myself once again that I’ve now been alive in physical form on this planet for a quarter of a century.  And the first thought right after that was, “I spent WAY too long thinking other people were smarter than me just because they were older!”

I spent the first half of my twenties and nearly all of my childhood and adolescence deferring to others because they were older and supposedly ‘wiser.’  I’m not saying age doesn’t come with a certain experience wisdom.  Nor am I saying that a respect for ones elders needs to be thrown aside.  I’m just saying that in believing this fallacy of older=smarter, I dumbed myself down…I didn’t believe my own brilliance.  I thought I had to wait for it.  I thought I couldn’t be in my full amazing glory just yet.

Well, I can be.  I am.  And my amazing-ness will continue to grow in brilliance, vitality, and radiance.


About heathencomehome

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